WASHINGTON ―The George Washington University Department of Slavic Languages and Literature announced in a recent newsletter that one of its students has come forward claiming to be none other than Anastasia Romanov herself.

Until the time of the announcement the student, now claiming to be heiress to the Russian throne, a junior in the Columbian College, had gone by the name of Elizabeth Gelbstein.

The announcement has caused a considerable uproar and indeed it feels as if few on campus are unwilling to weigh in on the subject. The GW Ax had the opportunity to speak with several members of the GW community on the goings on.

“I don’t see what the commotion’s all about,” said Harry “Doubting” Thomas, a sophomore in the Duquès School of Business. “It ain’t really her and that’s that. What are we even talking about this for? Didn’t we find Jimmy Hoffa buried under Super-Dorm a couple weeks ago or something? Why doesn’t anyone talk about that?”

Not all however, are such dour, cynical skeptics. Marrion Cordweilde, a senior pre-law student and hardline monarchist, had a more open frame of mind.

“Personally it makes me glad to think that we could have real royalty on campus here, even if it’s not our own.” She went on to remind reporters that, “no evidence has been presented against Miss. Gelbstein’s case.”

One of Gelbstein’s close friends and peers, Melody Kole, gave the Ax an exclusive inside view into what might really be going on.

“What I think people are forgetting here is that Lizzy [Gelbstein] is a double major in sociology too,” Kole told an Ax reporter, “this could really just be yet another bold and daring social experiment.”

We at the Ax prefer sensation to truth, and advise our readers to take Kole’s words with a grain of salt.

Upon making the announcement Gelbstein was rushed to the Washington Seniors’ Wellness Center, as, should her claims be true, she has reached the age of 104.

Gelbstein has not yet elaborated upon how she came to be a college student in the United States nearly a century after she was supposedly murdered in Yekaterinburg, though the Ax will continue to give updates should further details on this story become available.

The Kremlin has announced that it would be sending a team of historians and genealogists to investigate the case.

Meanwhile, a rumor is now circulating that the Textile Museum has purchased the contents of Gelbstein’s dresser and had begun planning for an upcoming exhibit of the Grand Dutchess’s finery.

Washington DC—The Gelman Library was the scene of some uproar last Thursday night when whoopee cushion went off on the third floor.

The victim has been identified as a librarian, Naomi Kelter. Eyewitnesses reported that Kelter had been reshelving periodicals when she decided to sit down in a nearby chair, apparently unaware that just beneath her posterior was a live whoopee cushion just waiting to go off.

Eric Wu, a junior in the Elliott School, was studying just a few feet away from the site of the incident.

“It wasn’t terribly loud, as whoopee cushions go, but we all heard it,” Wu told reporters from the Ax before going on to describe the sound as similar to something one might, “hear in the bathroom an hour after eating gas station-sushi.”

Witnesses report that after the initial shock wave had passed, Kelter tried to regain her composure, but was forced into retreat when a tidal wave of giggles swept across the entire floor.

While no injuries were sustained, the stiff-lipped victim suffered a major blow to her pride which led to a rapid deflation of her ego. Her condition is now stable, though group of psychology majors estimate that she will need at least the entirety of the Thanksgiving break to recuperate.

The whoopee cushion in question is believed to have been placed as long as eight years ago, when custodian, Jason Roman, claims to remember a days long series of zany prankings surrounding the April Fools’ Day of 2007. By the time order had been restored, nearly every seat in the library had been rigged and no one was truly safe from triggering a burst of faux flatulence.

“I tried to sweep the place top to bottom for them, but I guess I couldn’t get them all,” Roman told the Ax tearfully. “They just sit there for years, until some poor somebody comes along—they get you when you least expect it.”

At press-time, no new information had surfaced though on a seemingly unrelated note, the George Washington University Police Department issued a security alert regarding a man seen wearing a hand shocker and Groucho glasses.

Washington—After complaints from numerous voters of massive amounts of emails from Hillary Clinton, a spokesperson for the campaign this week admitted that they were “probably not thinking that one through.”

Throughout 2015, the Clinton campaign has been consistently sending voters (who probably signed up for this at one point, maybe, even though they have absolutely no memory of doing so) email after email from about 10 different email addresses.

The constant spam consists of donation requests, updates on the candidate’s policy stances, and some other third thing that people would probably know about if anyone actually bothered to read the emails.

The Clinton campaign issued a statement this week. “The email spam was a bit of a faux pas on our part,” it read. “Believe me, the last thing we wanted to do was annoy the voters to the point where every time they get an email, they cringe.”

The statement also revealed that the Hillary camp has multiple email lists, each of which issues independent email blasts. When voters sign up for one list, thinking they are going to get a reasonable amount of emails, they are instantly put on every email list, creating a steady flood of digital spam clogging all of our inboxes.

“It’s so annoying,” a GW sophomore told us. “I actually thought about voting for Hillary before getting repeatedly slapped in the face by all the emails they send. And when I tried to get off the email lists, I got a pop-up message that said ‘Sorry, you’re here for life.”

We caught up with a campaign spokesperson later in the week. “We didn’t really think the email thing through. When we said we wanted voters to be kept up to date, this isn’t really what we imagined it turning out to be.”

“Also there’s the whole scandal thing,” he continued. “Maybe sending out tons of emails isn’t the best way to put that behind us.”

It’s unclear whether the email spam will actually stop because of this, or if Clinton just wanted us to know that she’s sorry about it.

WASHINGTON - Nothing fuels alcoholism more than cold weather and boredom. And as cold weather and boredom creeps up on GW this winter, EMeRG is preparing itself.

“We have to expect the worst,” Jack of EMeRG reports. “We’re doubling up on staff for the coming months. It’s really going to get ninth circle of Hell out there, and it’s our responsibility, nay, our duty, to be ready.”

And EMeRG will be ready, we can be sure of that. What the populace now needs to be weary of is EMeRG itself growing too powerful. In such a weakened condition, now is the perfect time for those arrogant life-savers to be more selfless than ever.

Bolgia Two in the eighth circle after all needs its flatterers, and if EMeRG crawls out of the depths on the backs of their own self-importance, who will fill their positions? That’s right, we will, the innocents above ground. EMeRG will learn a thing or two from Alexander in the outer layer of the seventh circle and get some sort of medieval on our intoxicated selves. Then, down and down we shall be dragged, kicking and screaming, all the way to our respective locations- doomed to spend an eternity / night in our flaming tombs / the campus hospital.

do not listen to the blasphemous ways of the EMeRGoisie, and get ready to party like the real student proletariat this winter. You just know they shall be there, stalking in the silent wood.

In the words of the leader of the student uprising against EMeRG, a young student named Dante, “Do not be afraid; our fate cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.”

LOS GATOS, Ca. - Streaming mega-giant Netflix has announced they will be the content creators willing to bring back George Washington University’s beloved Creative Writing department for all-new exciting seasons next Fall.

“We just thought, okay, we have Full House, we’ve got Gilmore Girls in the pipeline, more Arrested Development on its way,” explained Ted Sarandos, head of content acquisition. “And so our next thought, what beloved American institution shall we triumphantly return to the nation today?”

“It was such a shame when it went away,” he elaborated. “But now it’ll be back, and better than ever!”

The university has forfeited all creative control of the program. David Fincher and Ron Howard are attached as executive producers to the project.

Classes will be held in a single, 15-hour long session available to each student whenever they please during the semester.

The project will be Netfix’s latest foray into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Acclaimed actor and noted murderer Kevin Spacey has been attached to appear, with his outrageous Foghorn Leghorn accent in tow. Asked to comment, he simply mused towards the camera, “It is all going according to my plan.”

WASHINGTON - With just his keys and his harmonica, President Knapp is currently thinking of a time in his life when things were a bit better.

It’s 9 p.m., on Saturday, and the regular crowd has shuffled in. Thinking about a melody, he thinks back to the time in his life when he was truly and really happy.

“La la la, di da da,” he commented. “La, la di da da da dum.”

At this point, the crowd began imploring him to please allow this poor piano man to continue crafting a tune, as if to make them feel alright.

Also in attendance include John, a man who believes he could be an actor if he were just a little bit more good-looking, as well as Paul, a real-estate novelist, and Davy, a man still in the navy.

The crowd, above all, is most confused as to why the university president is still stuck playing such terrible, meaningless gigs rather than the larger success he has earned.

“Man, what are you doing here?” said the crowd, as one.

President Knapp has also claimed no responsibility as to creating any of the numerous blazes throughout campus this past semester.

Washington DC―In what activist groups on campus are calling a major step forward, another one of the George Washington University anthropology department’s skeletons is finally out of the closet.

Jordan Lee, a teaching assistant and graduate student in the field of human paleobiology, is credited with helping to bring the skeleton out.

“I was in there getting supplies for a lab when I spotted the ole bag o’ bones,” he told reporters with a smile. “I thought to myself, ‘this skeleton’s as good as any other, it shouldn’t be living a lie like this.’”

Lee recalls that the skeleton was tucked away next to an old filing cabinet and behind a number of heavy boxes. Getting it out was no small task, but one that Lee thought well worthy of his patient efforts.

“He didn’t seem like the the closeted type at all,” said professor of biological-anthropology, Arron Kollere. “I really never would have guessed. It was a huge surprise!”

There was initially some concern on behalf of the department heads that, with the skeleton out of the closet, it might be difficult to find a place where it would be able to fit in. These concerns were quickly alleviated when it was announced that a space had been found for it in a lab room in Lisner Hall. Since its placement there, students have expressed an interest in the skeleton and professors have come to accept it as they would any other part of the classroom.

At press-time, Ian Chester, paleontology professor & president of the People for the Promotion of Paleolithic Lifestyles, commended the department

“The care and tactfulness with which the skeleton was brought out into the school really speaks to the progressive and accepting nature in these changing times of the anthropology faculty and their students.”

Spending time with your family over Thanksgiving break can be tough. For your convenience, we’ve assembled a list of the biggest dos and don’ts for navigating familial conversation this Thanksgiving.

Do

1. Cocaine
2. Count the days until forthcoming release of Fantastic Four on Blu-ray.
3. Make sure to snap the turkey’s wishbone, not your father’s. Common mistake.
4. Call your mother, you goddamn deadbeat.
5. Get massively drunk on boxed wine with your uncle.
6. Only talk about political beliefs that will definitely start a family feud.
7. Discuss the birthday of 30 Rock star Scott Adist.
8. Tell your cousin’s wife she’s only gained a little weight.
9. Make sure all insulting comments are said aloud.
10. If the conversation goes south, try setting your house on fire.

Don't do

1. Cocaine
2. Feed the stuffing to that opossum in the neighbor’s yard.
3. Give thanks to Hitler’s Germany. Definite party killer.
4. Hide a bunch of eggs around the house. Wrong holiday, Jerry.
5. Accidentally trade the turkey for some your friend's friend's black tar heroin.
6. Open your eyes, Marion.
7. Ask your weird aunt how her life is going.
8. Talk about the weird dream you had about the guy sitting next to you on the train home.
9. Start a dance fight.
10. Kill, like, a ton of Native Americans.

WASHINGTON - Citing his love of the Indiana Jones and National Treasure franchises, local adventurer and explorer extraordinaire Blaine Harwheat has recently opted to start going to the as-yet-uncharted Starbucks in the outskirts of Farragut.

Citing his lifelong need to explore as reason enough to make such a drastic life change, Harwheat has begun the arduous process of sharing photos of the new location on his Instagram. Harwheat’s coworkers and family have been unanimously stunned by the brave man’s willingness to venture into the absolute unknown.

“I always knew he was a different cut of a man,” began Jessica Mulwhey, Harwheat’s girlfriend of two years. “A cut above the rest. So when he tells me he’s going off into the unknown to discover what lies behind this apartment block… well, you can’t cage a man like my Blaine, no matter how much I may fear for his safety.”

Harwheat’s apartment is littered from artifacts from his various adventures, including a snow globe from the Lincoln memorial, the wrapper of a hot dog from a 7-11 nearly five blocks away, and, perhaps the crown jewel of the collection, a t-shirt, bearing the phrase “I went to Philadelphia and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” Harwheat chose not to comment on the adventure into the great North Yonder, calling it “a young mistake, best to just forget about it.”

Like ol’ Indy himself, Harwheat has his fair share of detractors. The barista in his new favorite temple of coffee is one such antagonist.

“What, the dude who comes in here with a bullwhip? The hell is his problem? It’s a Starbucks. I mean Christ, I am not paid enough to put up with his shit.”

Still, Harwheat will not be brought down by these opponents. He has recently unveiled his latest plan, to steal a waffle from the Red Roof Motel’s continental breakfast buffet, defiantly screaming that “it belongs in a museum[!]”. Only time will tell if the adventurer gets his way.

Harwheat has since apparently been repeatedly and brutally mugged, claiming his nameless attackers were “all connected to the Nazis… probably after the waffle.”

Registration is tough, a fact that the staff of the GW Ax is intimately familiar with. To help you out, we’ve assembled a list of the ten most bullshit courses available for you this Spring semester!

1. Cocaine: An Introduction
2. Accomplishments of the Fillmore Administration
3. Feminist Voices in Contemporary Uzbek Literature
4. Biological History of Man and Ape: A Love Story
5. PSYC 1001: Introduction to Psychology
6. Intro to Data Mining Your Ex’s Emails
7. Profound Political Insights from Oscar the Grouch
8. Kristin Chenoweth and You
9. Neapolitan Ice Cream & Dostoyevsky
10. A Philosophical Analysis of the Cheney Years

WASHINGTON - A new report by the Federal Bureau of Prisons reveals a darker side to one of America’s favorite traditions. Turkeys, pardoned by the President of the United States every Thanksgiving, are being cast aside by society at large.

“There’s simply no safety net there,” began Henry Ulrich, a warden at the Kansas State Federal Turkey Penitentiary, where 2011’s pardoned fowl had previously been serving three consecutive life sentences. “They get out there and they feel like a king for a day, with the whole ceremony in their honor and stuff. But then they’re just thrown on the streets. What are they supposed to do?”

Of the most recent ten turkeys pardoned under Presidents Bush and Obama, only one is gainfully employed, deep fat frying his distant relatives at a Chik-Fil-A in southern Tennessee. Three are dead, one is back on the inside, and the other five have been difficult to track down. Most have become drifters.

Josie Whittiker is the manager at the Chik-Fil-A in which 2009’s bird works as a line cook. She sat down with us and explained the difficulty of being a pardoned turkey.

“I know he needs help, and no one else is gonna do it. I mean, he’s an awful employee, always showing up smashed out of his mind on bird feed and crying every time he’s put on fry cook duty. But someone needs to care for these birds.”

The Federal Bureau of Prisons’ investigation has identified several key issues. Lack of a safety net, poor education, inability to form intelligible speech, and lack of hands and fingers have all been blamed for the disturbing results.

The National Institute for Fowl Justice shifts the blame upwards, however. Their protests in front of the White House rage on into their fifth consecutive year, calling for an end to the practice of throwing turkeys out to dry over Thanksgiving.

Although they declined formal comment, the NIFJ’s publicly available agenda makes no qualms about how difficult finding a solution for everyone, man and feathered beast alike, will be. But for the time being, they’d just be happy with change.

If you would care to donate to the NIFJ, they can be reached at nifj@gmail.com.

SAN FRANCISCO - After stepping through an inter-dimensional portal to another time and place, outgoing provost Steven Lerman on Tuesday had to let his newfound pacifist beau perish in a horrific accident so as to not alter the established timeline.

Thanksgiving is sure to be underwhelming again this year, but is that really Thanksgiving’s fault? Thanksgiving has become the victim of a systemic devaluing of holidays running rampant in our country, especially here at GW.

First of all, Thanksgiving falls too close to the end of the semester, and all the weight and anxieties and pressures of finals permeate throughout the time off for a traditional feast. Can you really enjoy that overcooked turkey when you have an organic chemistry final coming up and you know the likelihood of passing doesn't surpass the likelihood of your uncle chewing with his mouth closed?

Speaking of your bovine uncle, is there anyone you’re actually that excited to see? Friends are nice, but you have friends here. You’re going home for family, and, baring a full scale riot in the kitchen over who forgot the pumpkin pie, whatever conversation you manage will surely fall victim to a self-induced food coma. You get to see your family again? More like: you get to have the same conversations with the same people for (yet another) year. 'How’s school going? Are you doing well? What’s your major? What classes are you taking?' It’s going to be a resounding get-to-know-you conference of family members who all have only slightly differing opinions.

Finally, all the anticipation falls before and after Thanksgiving. Halloween really holds the lustrous prize of the stereotypical fall holiday. And what comes after Thanksgiving, none other than the behemoth, the myth, the miracle- Christmas. Jesus Christ, Christmas is so overwhelming it has gained the capacity to physically consume other holidays. And which holiday was first to be mercilessly eaten by Christmas’s monster? That’s right: Thanksgiving was plucked, beheaded, and roasted for an extra twenty minutes till it was dry, and then ravaged by Christmas who was tired of talking to its relatives and a little tipsy from the beer (which Christmas is now perceived as old enough to handle).

So, is anyone super excited for Thanksgiving? No, nobody is excited. At all. It’s going to be fine, acceptable, a nice little break. But stop kidding yourself. Get ready to be underwhelmed.

Remember that promise you made to yourself, your wallet, and your parents?

“Don’t worry Mom and Dad, I’ll get a job this semester and have my own money to spend!”

Well, you fucked up.

At this point in the semester, it’s too late to get a job. So pucker up- you have to keep slurping from your parents’ cash-flow.

At this point you might be saying, “but wait, there’s still next semester? I can start to get a resume together and I’ll get a job for the spring.”

First of all, you’re too late. You know it’s going to take you at least two to three weeks to get that cockamamie resume up to a suitable level, and then you have to find a position suitable for your cockamamie resume. Thinking about all that is overwhelming, so don’t even worry about it, go back to Netflix (your parents’ account, not even a different profile).

Don’t worry, the real world job market is far more welcoming than the one in college. Besides, you go to THE George Washington University. That political science or international affairs degree is going to land you a sweet job at the State Department. HA!

See, you actually want that to happen, and you yourself can see the insanity. Jobs just don’t fall out of the sky- unless you go to Harvard, which you don't, loser.

So take a sweet, deep breath and brace yourself for the pummeling dose of realism that is about to hit you right between your eyeballs this coming semester. I’d start accepting it soon, it’ll make it easier to explain to your parents.

Despite a notable increase in the number of pet-friendly establishments in this country over the past decade, even in the heart of our nation’s hallowed capital there remain a number of places to which bringing an animal would be poorly advised. While many hotels and restaurants will clearly mark whether or not cats and dogs are allowed on their premises, there is a definite gray area when it comes to where you can take your eel on an outing; this article will seek to shed some light on those ambiguities.

If you will be going to any of the following, it is probably best to leave your eel at home.

1. The Smithsonian’s National Zoo
2. Frank’s Franks on O Street and Seventh
3. Columbia Heights (As per the Anti-Eel Ordinance of 1962)
4. The Exorcist Steps
5. The former site of the National Aquarium (it would just be too depressing)
6. Your mother’s house. She still doesn’t approve of your eel-based lifestyle choices.
7. The Library of Congress reading rooms
8. The bleacher seats of any Washington Nationals game (the owner’s box, however, is fine)
9. The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool (with its water most foul)
10. Any of the District’s more than seventy-five sushi restaurants

WASHINGTON - The beloved Mount Vernon Campus at George Washington University has been tragically sold to private military organization Blackwater.

Students currently residing at the campus will not be asked to leave, instead being integrated into the organization’s training exercises.

“All we want is somewhere to play lots of tennis,” Major General Percy White claimed, brandishing an assault rifle for his interview.

“I mean, already, walking from the rest of the campus to West Hall feels like a prisoner exchange,” a student commented, “why not have actual prisoner exchanges?”

During our visit, muffled screams and constant gunfire could be heard, as well as the circling of fighter jets overhead.

“We will also continue to offer Mac & Cheese at Colonial Inauguration,” General White elaborated.

Blackwater was reportedly first interested in the incredibly dull and distant campus due to its disconnection to all other life.

“It is also a primary lynchpin in our plan for the overthrow,” the General said, before correcting himself, “Whoops, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I misspoke for a second there.”

WASHINGTON - With numerous recycling bins, power saving lights, and cute little energy efficient trucks, there’s evidence of GW’s Green Initiative all over campus. The latest in a series of efforts to make the school more environmentally friendly is found within Colonial Printing stations across campus. As of December, all printing kiosks will no longer have the functionality to print, thus not wasting paper, no matter what. We took to the streets to get some reactions for this new Green policy.

“I’m really happy that GW cares this much to go out of their way and save the trees,” said a sophomore and environmental engineering major Elizabeth Klean. “We as citizens of Earth really need to do everything we can to save paper.”

Freshman business major Jim Wingate recalled his first run in with the new Green printers. “I was running to class down F street and remembered I didn’t print my homework assignment. So I went into Gelman library to print it but there was not a single machine that could read my flash drive. I ended up walking into the lecture hall late and showing the professor the assignment on my laptop. It felt amazing to have saved that sheet of paper. I really know that I’m making a difference in this world.”

Due to the cost of installing the new software on each kiosk, students can expect an increase in price per page when using the improved print stations.

On first inspection, Frank’s Franks isn’t much to look at: a mobile aluminum box with a hotdog boiler and a small awning, sitting on the corner of O Street and Seventh, between the Immaculate Conception Apartments and Kennedy Playground, but there’s more to this place than meets the eye. French-Canadian immigrant, François “Frank” Bergeron, has owned and operated the stand since the late 1990s and, on any given day, can be found cooking up a storm.

To begin, my expectations of the Canadian transplant’s ability to wow the palate with his common cuisine were low. I decided to test the waters with a classic we all know well, a frankenfurter with relish and sauerkraut on an exquisite white bread bun. Much to my pleasant surprise, the dog was cooked to an ideal consistency, a firm but thin and snappy casing with a warm, soft, and moist interior. The bitterness of the sauerkraut created a titillating and delicate balance with the slightly sweet and tangy dill relish. This was an altogether unexpected and extremely subtle inclusion.

All things considered however, the dog did fall shy of the mark when it came to the bun. Admittedly, Frank does stock some of the higher quality hotdog buns available, allowing his customers to choose between classic white and sourdough, this one took a plunge toward the last few bits when it became slightly dampened and thus unattractively mushy. Frank had my interest. The middle-aged fry-cook in his stained “Je me souviens” t-shirt had taken me by surprise.

The next dish he cooked up for me is said to be a house special: a chili-dog with red onions and chopped bell pepper. Again the dog was up to par with bun falling somewhat short, but what really caught me was the effect of the bell paper, which brought with it a light crunchy texture and low heat that tied each mouthful together. The red onions, it should be noted, played a role as well, laying a slight sweetness underneath the more intense flavors of the chili and peppers. It is also very much to credit of this O Street establishment that all of the ingredients in my meal there were at the absolute peak of freshness and, as Frank told me later, purchased daily at a nearby farmer's’ market.

Behind the counter of Frank’s Franks, under the outer guise of a street-food vendor I found the mind of a gourmet at work. With its well-executed classic and modern takes on the timeless edible which is the hotdog, Frank’s Franks may be a little rough around the edges, but is wholly worthy of the four-and-one-half star Critics’ Circle rating with which I award it.

A new poll conducted this week shows that students aren’t satisfied with the abundance of a capella groups on campus and they want even more of them to form on campus.

A GW statistics professor polled a group of 1,000 GW students and found that they love the current a capella groups, and they need more obnoxious music shoved down their throats on a regular basis.

“They’re everywhere! I can’t go 5 minutes without some a capella group popping up someplace, and I love it,” said Elliott School freshman Jonathan Rapp. “I would love more a capella- I want to hear about them every second of every day!”

The study revealed that 90% of GW students are “surprisingly in favor” of the current amount of pointless vocal groups on campus, and 64% “would somehow recommend” forming at least 5 new a capella troupes.

The university hasn’t offered a comment on the study’s findings, and hasn’t revealed their plans to address the apparent dissatisfaction with the a capella climate on campus.

We can only assume the administration will immediately begin allocating funds to accommodate the future surge in newly formed student a capella groups, and the GW Ax staff have begun placing bets on which department will be getting fired next to make room for this in the budget.

• 
  

WASHINGTON - The academic department at George Washington University on Wednesday announced an exciting new lineup of courses centered around distinctly American studies, including America’s pastime, as well as infamous rock ‘n’ roll legend John Cougar Mellencamp.

“Look, we’re not communists. We’re Americans,” explained a professor in the department, “and as such, we just love the Cougar.”

An additional course, Early American Fruit Pastry History, will charter the prominent events leading to and following from the creation of apple pie, all the way through to the Civil War.

The baseball courses, The Home Run Derby and the American Character, as well as Impacts of the Presidential First Pitch, are to be taught by “The Hammer” himself, Hank Aaron.

Jack & Diane & Reagan’s America, the Mellencamp course, is naturally being taught by the rock god himself.

“Really it was always intended a searing indictment of the sociopolitical environment of America during wartime,” explained Professor Mellencamp, “One really must take into account Raskolnikov’s nietzscheism when considering the motivations of the composition as a potential influential factor.”

The department has indicated plans for additional all-American courses to be taught beginning next year on subjects ranging from Jerry Lewis to Matlock.

From the editor-in-chief:

There comes a time when every nation must look to our leaders and decide we need other leaders, ideally ones that look very similar to the old ones. And thus, we are proud to announce that as a newspaper organization we have decided upon which candidate to lend our support in this upcoming election cycle.

Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, the incumbent junior senator from Rhode Island, is our man. He was made for the job; his name is literally the house he was destined for. That is the entire reason to vote for this man. He is not running for president, but if we all believe hard enough, we can make him our president.

President Whitehouse. Does that not sound just right to you? It does to me, and it does to every single one of my colleagues, as well as a series of celebrity endorsements we have solicited. Gonzo, from The Muppets, for example, has also lended his enthusiastic support for the senator’s campaign, as well as Joy Philbin, Regis’ wife. These are the only two celebrities we were able to receive a response from, and you may be thinking, “Gee, those sure do not sound like great coups,” but we will gladly inform you we are two for two as these were in fact the first and only two such endorsements we have sought.

In addition, it would be a missed opportunity for the senator to consider not changing his first name to President. Just imagine it - the President President Whitehouse White House! It’s too good to be true. So make it true. Clap your hands if you believe!

Best Wishes & A Merry Christmas To All of You at Home

WASHINGTON - Steven Lerman, outgoing provost at George Washington University, spotted a neighborhood pet store in flames and quickly rose to the occasion on Monday.

WASHINGTON - Sources at the George Washington University’s J-Street Kitchen confirmed today that University President Knapp has been captured, once and for all, with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

Investigators claim that Knapp entered the storage room at J Street at 9 a.m. yesterday, in search of some delicious cookies to “satiate the rumbleys in his tumbleys”. It was not until he attempted to withdraw his hand that he realized just how dangerous a game he was playing.

“I’m tired of it,” began investigator Jack Lemone, a member of the District’s police force for the past six years. “People brush it off, like cookie abuse isn’t a big deal. It isn’t dangerous. It won’t hurt anybody. I want people to know that it’s a slippery slope- first you’re accepting snickerdoodles from your grandma, pretty soon you’re on the streets, turning tricks for an Oreo. Where does it end?”

Knapp has been taken into police custody for the cookie-related incident and his fate has yet to decided. University and District officials claim that they do not want to be seen as ‘light’ on cookie-based crimes.

Not all on campus are happy with this treatment, however.

“We’re organizing a rally, on Kogan Plaza, next week, be there.” Allie Nerfwick, an International Affairs major and an active campaigner with SSCP, or Students for Sensible Cookie Policy, explained.

“My gripes with the man aside, I feel like everyone is making a big deal out of nothing. I mean, we all sneak cookies from the jar on top of the fridge in J-Street, but suddenly Knapp is caught and it becomes a problem? End the war on cookies now!”

Still, change is far off in U.S. cookie law. And, until then, it seems like Knapp will be going away for a long time.

WASHINGTON―George Washington University administrators were proud to announce yesterday that it will be continuing its tradition of venerating American authors through the dedication of mundane objects on the university grounds with the upcoming installation of a new water fountain honoring the late cosmic-horror writer H.P. Lovecraft.

The fountain is to be placed outside the entrance to the Lisner Auditorium, next to the University’s celebrated “Toni Morrison Bench,” which was rather confusingly dedicated to the still living author in 2011.

“What we’re hoping to do is to remind students of country’s great literary tradition,” said Dr. Arlo Westfield of the university’s English department. “What better way to do this than with a bench and a water fountain?”

Westfield went on to tell reporters that the fountain itself is intended not only to honor Lovecraft’s legacy, but reflect the scope of his works as well. Hewn out of a single large stone, the new installation will belch foul-smelling water up from the unfathomed depths of the Earth and remind onlookers of the ancient city of R’lyeh, where the great Cthulhu is said to slumber.

“The Toni Morrison bench is meant to inspire reflection on the themes of slavery and inequality addressed in many of Mrs. Morrison’s books,” Dr. Westfield told the Ax. “The Lovecraft fountain though, that we hope will prompt contemplation on the nature of horror, fate, and the unknowable. It’s a real #onlyatgw combination.”

Rumors are circulating that the administration is considering placing a picnic table dedicated to either Stephen King or Doctor Seuss next to the bench and drinking fountain, though these have yet to be confirmed or denied.

WASHINGTON – Just over four years after Whole Foods Market opened with great fanfare and celebration on I Street, a study released on Monday noted a steady increase in the number of George Washington student shoppers, all of which absolutely just adore the pricing structure of all of its products and/or services.

In fact, Whole Foods representatives confirmed that university students now constitute roughly 90 percent of the customer base at the Whole Foods Market on I Street, which must mean every single one of them approves of the costs wholeheartedly.

“We believe our success here at the Foggy Bottom campus reflects our honest business model which is definitely not built around the principle of price gouging,” John Crowley, Whole Foods representative, said in a released statement on Wednesday.

The study found that Whole Foods Market has seen a notable surge each year with incoming freshmen who really have no idea how to manage their newly minted GWorld money.

“Essentially I’m buying the same stuff that I would be able to get at Safeway or Target, but with ‘organic’ labels slapped on the merchandise,” Jill Bennett, regular customer and sophomore, quipped before walking out with a bag full of kale-based shampoo, a literal jar of asparagus, and kale guacamole all of which cost north of $40. “So it definitely helps to squash that little doubt in my head, which is probably my voice of reason. But who cares?”

“It’s organic!”

Upwick, a registered resident of Taihawken, Nebraska, came up with the plan while sitting in his introduction to international affairs class last Tuesday. He follows in the footsteps of many other Elliott School students with similarly brilliant and completely unique ideas.

“I’m just sitting in class, browsing Tumblr,” begins Upwick, seated in his cramped Thurston dorm. “Suddenly, it hits me. The reason there is suffering is all because of the evils of capitalism, right? So what I’m going to do, I’m going to make it my life’s goal to just end all capitalism.”

The United Nations seldom allows college students to propose their ideas; last year, a measly 158 Elliott School students were allowed to present their brilliant and totally original ideas for world peace.

Some stand-outs include Jen Ibinski’s never-before-considered nuclear disarmament proposal. Jen sat with us to discuss exactly what the process would entail.

“I just hope Upwick sets his sights low, you know? I went before the UN and unveiled my brilliant plan to just throw all of the nukes into space, and the response was mixed. I mean the United States only agreed to immediately cut their arsenal in half!”

The Elliott School has so much success within the international sphere due to the fact that absolutely no one else has ever sat down and read a single history book, studies explain.

In fact, new studies show that the incredibly intelligent and talented denizens of the Foggy Bottom institution are the only people who have ever in the history of anything considered the ideas of communism, capitalism, nuclear proliferation, and just not killing each other.

The Ax reached out to the Elliott School for comment, but have since been told to “piss off.”

Election season can be confusing. You could be forgiven for thinking the upcoming elections aren’t important- but you’d be wrong! The GW Ax summarizes exactly what you need to know to keep the system running this November.

1. Make sure not to make eye contact with the Pollmeisters- they become violent when provoked.
2. Democracy can be tough. Relieve some of the stress by huffing glue prior to voting.
3. Remember- a vote for Spiro Agnew is a vote for democracy!
4. Honestly, just ask dad who he’s voting for. He seems on top of this politics thing.
5. Try buying votes for your preferred candidate.
6. Write-in Zach Braff for all potential offices.
7. Throwing darts at the ballot to select your candidate is probably legal.
8. Don’t listen to Phil, he’s a dick. Doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
9. If you live in Chicago, your vote probably doesn’t count anyways. Don’t bother.
10. Forget about elections until December, then make sure to complain about being underrepresented.

DALLAS - The Texas state legislature, having apparently decided that no one should learn actual history in this country, are implementing a modified version of the high school United States History curriculum.

The new textbooks get rid of most of the commonly accepted history, slavery and the Civil War and what have you, and replaced it with alternative information casting doubt upon what actually happened.

Some of the new additions include slavery actually being a good thing (which must be read to be believed), Abraham Lincoln taking the slaveholders’ side, and a tickle fight causing the Civil War.

According to the new textbooks, an enormous tickle conflict erupted between government officials in the north and the south, prompting the southern states to secede after an embarrassing loss resulted in the Governor of South Carolina peeing his pants.

Subsequent tickle fights then began occurring between slaveowners and their charges, prompting the slaves to run to the north after what we assume were more embarrassing losses.

The new curriculum comes as a result of the old curriculum “not being American enough,” according to the legislature.

WASHINGTON - Lawmakers have shocked the Foggy Bottom neighborhood with this morning’s announcement that they will be making $4 billion available to the School Without Walls to build walls.

The local charter school has long been a staple of public education in the North Eastern neighborhood, but many have felt that its lack of any sort of exterior or interior walls has held it back.

With winter approaching, one teacher says that the money couldn’t have come soon enough.

“Winter is basically a no-go here,” began Ms. Jacky Viscetti. “We take summers off, which is ridiculous when you’re trying to teach in a school which physically has no partitions from the elements. Try teaching math when you’re up to your ankles in snow.”

The calculus teacher was one of many who petitioned for the grant, proving yet again that internet petitions are in fact be the very best method of securing change within society.

The money will be allocated starting immediately with construction beginning today during class time. When asked if the noise that comes with heavy construction would be distracting, Ms. Viscetti had faith in her students.

“They’re used to working in what is basically the open street. Honestly, they can handle this. Or maybe they can’t. I don’t know, I’m paid either way.”

Federal funding for charter schools with dumb names has been up 23% over the last year, providing walls to the School Without Walls, funding limits to Limitless Potentials, and setting clear bounds for Boundless Education.

Rick Desjarderate, a representative from the Obama Administration, explained their new approach.

“Honestly, we’re basically just trying to launder money in the last couple years of his second term. I wouldn’t worry about it. Just don’t put that in the paper, okay?”

The United Nations has since revealed an unprecedented plan to finally provide Doctors Without Borders some sweet new borders.

WASHINGTON - After a number of dangerous liaisons, the administration at the George Washington University has released an informational statement reminding its students that, though their degree does make them qualified in affairs internationally, they may not engage in affairs internationally.

“It’s kind of horrifying,” said a source inside the Elliott School. “But I suppose it explains why the program has been so popular.”

A quick survey of several students in the program indicates they were all looking forward to exciting, steamy escapades under the covers whilst undercover behind the Iron Curtain. These same students also apparently do not keep up-to-date on the latest events in world news.

“The students here have absolutely no morals,” one student explained. “They’re investing into a career based entirely upon the idea the world will fundamentally prize diplomacy and partnership. Also the affairs thing.”

“I want to make forbidden, tragic love on top of the Eiffel tower,” one gross Elliott School student told us despite not being prompted or asked in any capacity whatsoever. “It’s all I want in my life.”

The International Affairs program, one of the university’s most popular degrees, has as a result seen a mass exodus by students instead choosing to join the much more sexy Government Contracts program.

WASHINGTON - The administration of George Washington University yesterday announced the long and gruelling search for a new provost has finally come to a close, with the panel having decided the job is to be taken by famous cartoon dog Scoobert Doobert Doo.

“We are proud to have unanimously voted for our bold new Provost,” said the chair of the search committee whilst unfolding the paper in which Doo’s name name had been inscribed. “Jeffer- wait, no, S-s-s-s-Scooby-Doo? Like, the cartoon?”

“Ruh roh!” The dog said from the audience. “Row did rat happen, Raggy?”

The dog’s close confidant, Shaggy Rogers, 19, shrugged his shoulders in response and suggested a mystery to be unravelled by their famous mystery gang.

This was not to occur, as Doo immediately had to begin important Provost business. First up, he was forced to choose a department to totally remove from the University’s curriculum, followed by firing several professors just on the verge of tenure.

It has become apparent that Doo was put in the position as part of a fiendish conspiracy to scare off tourists on the part of Old Man Seas, who resides in the lighthouse atop the school of science and engineering.

“I would have gotten away with it, too,” he claimed, “if it weren’t for those rotten kids.”

Still holding the position, Scooby-Doo has enacted a tough plan to ensure the university will regain its prestige as a beacon of private higher education.

“Rou know, rost reople ron’t know what a rovost does,” he explained. “Rut, when Ri’m done, reveryone rill know.”

WASHINGTON ― Following days of swirling rumors, the office of President Stephen Knapp has released a statement confirming the University’s most senior official has been quarantined in his office since early last weekend after coming down with what doctors and John Travolta are calling “a case of the Saturday Night Fever.”

The news came as a surprise to dance instructors and medical experts as it was believed that “the Fever” had been eradicated in 1983, following the release of Staying Alive, Sylvester Stallone’s wildly unsuccessful sequel to John Badham’s 1977 classic dance film.

Truly it came as no less of a surprise to those who were in the office that. Ax reporters had a chance to speak with Lucinda Keller, Knapp’s personal secretary, about the incident.

“It was getting near quitting time on Friday, I was putting my coat on when Dr. Knapp jumped up onto his desk and just started doing the hustle,” Keller mused. “The other secretaries and I laughed and clapped, we thought it was a joke.”

The situation turned serious, however, when President Knapp gravely turned towards the onlookers and told them to get a doctor.

The university stated that President Knapp was “Stayin’ Alive” and that doctors have “More Than a Feeling” that it will be safe for the quarantine on his office to be lifted by “Tuesday Afternoon.” Until that time however, he will not be able to leave the building, lest the dance craze be given a chance to spread across the entire city’s dancefloors.

Ben Vinson III, dean of the Columbian College of Arts and Sciences, voiced support for his colleague early this morning, telling reporters that, “We are family. I know he’ll be able to shake that thing off.”

Knapp reassured, “I will survive.”

On a seemingly unrelated note, several area roller-discos are being investigated for potential health code violations.

We at the GW Ax pride ourselves on constantly evolving and incorporating the modern political and social landscape into our articles. However, it has recently come to our attention that potatoes are exactly the same as they have been for the past thousands of years. What the hell?

As you can see, the top potato in the image to the right is from the year 137 BC, and the potato on the bottom was bought from Whole Foods last night. Do you see a difference? The answer is no.

We’re putting our foot down. Nothing is so important that it shouldn’t have to adapt. Potatoes simply refuse to keep up with modern times and contemporary ideas. When voting for or against gay marriage, potatoes abstained across the board, refusing to give an opinion. You would think the potato would become heated over controversial topics like gun control or universal health care- but potatoes, hot or otherwise, continue to be tossed around the political sphere without ever so much as saying a word.

Potatoes, you’ve really dropped the ball. Look at rice- there are so many different strains and breeds and species of it now. Rice has kept up the health food movement- taking a wide variety of suggestions from different polls and re-inventing itself in the form of quinoa and Basmati, Faro, Amaranth, Sorghum, Chia, and so on. Now, look at the stubborn potato. Yes, sometimes they’re red. Sometimes they’re even mashed. But what the fuck? Potatoes are so damn old and so damn boring and really, I’m just tired of their bullshit.

You’ve been called out, potatoes. I’m sure we’re all interested to see how you respond.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - The MLB World Series came to an end this past weekend, and people everywhere suddenly started to care about baseball again as the Royals and Mets faced off.

Game 1 kicked off last Tuesday, and the network reported a 30% jump in ratings, bringing baseball’s numbers just barely above such popular and exciting channels such as C-SPAN 3.

The MLB was thrilled with the marginal albeit overall insignificant boost in publicity, though it’s likely impossible to trick people into actually making baseball relevant again.

A spokesperson for the MLB said he was thrilled with the slight boost in viewership, saying, “we’ve just about passed the International Fencing Tournament in rating polls! This is the biggest thing to happen since ’95, when we pulled ahead of the World Croquet Semi-Finals.”

We spoke with some students on campus, and after about 40 who had no idea what a baseball even was, we finally found what seemed to be the only fan on campus.

“The World Series is porn for me,” said sophomore Elliot Granger. “I watched it every year at home, fully nude, and I’m continuing the tradition.”

We presume that equating baseball to porn is why Elliot had had trouble finding a date, a fact he made repeatedly clear throughout our interview.