WASHINGTON - Nothing fuels alcoholism more than cold weather and boredom. And as cold weather and boredom creeps up on GW this winter, EMeRG is preparing itself.

“We have to expect the worst,” Jack of EMeRG reports. “We’re doubling up on staff for the coming months. It’s really going to get ninth circle of Hell out there, and it’s our responsibility, nay, our duty, to be ready.”

And EMeRG will be ready, we can be sure of that. What the populace now needs to be weary of is EMeRG itself growing too powerful. In such a weakened condition, now is the perfect time for those arrogant life-savers to be more selfless than ever.

Bolgia Two in the eighth circle after all needs its flatterers, and if EMeRG crawls out of the depths on the backs of their own self-importance, who will fill their positions? That’s right, we will, the innocents above ground. EMeRG will learn a thing or two from Alexander in the outer layer of the seventh circle and get some sort of medieval on our intoxicated selves. Then, down and down we shall be dragged, kicking and screaming, all the way to our respective locations- doomed to spend an eternity / night in our flaming tombs / the campus hospital.

do not listen to the blasphemous ways of the EMeRGoisie, and get ready to party like the real student proletariat this winter. You just know they shall be there, stalking in the silent wood.

In the words of the leader of the student uprising against EMeRG, a young student named Dante, “Do not be afraid; our fate cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.”