Spending time with your family over Thanksgiving break can be tough. For your convenience, we’ve assembled a list of the biggest dos and don’ts for navigating familial conversation this Thanksgiving.

Do

1. Cocaine
2. Count the days until forthcoming release of Fantastic Four on Blu-ray.
3. Make sure to snap the turkey’s wishbone, not your father’s. Common mistake.
4. Call your mother, you goddamn deadbeat.
5. Get massively drunk on boxed wine with your uncle.
6. Only talk about political beliefs that will definitely start a family feud.
7. Discuss the birthday of 30 Rock star Scott Adist.
8. Tell your cousin’s wife she’s only gained a little weight.
9. Make sure all insulting comments are said aloud.
10. If the conversation goes south, try setting your house on fire.

Don't do

1. Cocaine
2. Feed the stuffing to that opossum in the neighbor’s yard.
3. Give thanks to Hitler’s Germany. Definite party killer.
4. Hide a bunch of eggs around the house. Wrong holiday, Jerry.
5. Accidentally trade the turkey for some your friend's friend's black tar heroin.
6. Open your eyes, Marion.
7. Ask your weird aunt how her life is going.
8. Talk about the weird dream you had about the guy sitting next to you on the train home.
9. Start a dance fight.
10. Kill, like, a ton of Native Americans.