DALLAS - The Texas state legislature, having apparently decided that no one should learn actual history in this country, are implementing a modified version of the high school United States History curriculum.

The new textbooks get rid of most of the commonly accepted history, slavery and the Civil War and what have you, and replaced it with alternative information casting doubt upon what actually happened.

Some of the new additions include slavery actually being a good thing (which must be read to be believed), Abraham Lincoln taking the slaveholders’ side, and a tickle fight causing the Civil War.

According to the new textbooks, an enormous tickle conflict erupted between government officials in the north and the south, prompting the southern states to secede after an embarrassing loss resulted in the Governor of South Carolina peeing his pants.

Subsequent tickle fights then began occurring between slaveowners and their charges, prompting the slaves to run to the north after what we assume were more embarrassing losses.

The new curriculum comes as a result of the old curriculum “not being American enough,” according to the legislature.