WASHINGTON - With just his keys and his harmonica, President Knapp is currently thinking of a time in his life when things were a bit better.

It’s 9 p.m., on Saturday, and the regular crowd has shuffled in. Thinking about a melody, he thinks back to the time in his life when he was truly and really happy.

“La la la, di da da,” he commented. “La, la di da da da dum.”

At this point, the crowd began imploring him to please allow this poor piano man to continue crafting a tune, as if to make them feel alright.

Also in attendance include John, a man who believes he could be an actor if he were just a little bit more good-looking, as well as Paul, a real-estate novelist, and Davy, a man still in the navy.

The crowd, above all, is most confused as to why the university president is still stuck playing such terrible, meaningless gigs rather than the larger success he has earned.

“Man, what are you doing here?” said the crowd, as one.

President Knapp has also claimed no responsibility as to creating any of the numerous blazes throughout campus this past semester.