WASHINGTON - Almost entirely appropriately, the Ax’s dwindling readership is being met with a record dwindling membership, due to a strange killer rampaging through campus taking the lives of all associated with the newspaper.
“Look, at the beginning it was just weird that our first two editors-in-chief, respectively, were shot in a hunting accident and accidentally fell off a cruise ship,” one reporter recalled, immediately before being crushed by a falling piano which was being hoisted up to the top floor of the superdorm.
Inspector Dimmesdale, the head of the investigation, has put the staff under close supervision, with police escorts waiting outside their doors at all times. This plan is not foolproof, however, as one guard discovered one student dead in their dorm room with their head stuck in the microwave, though after careful examination this was not part of the killer’s reign of terror but rather a student who did not understand how to use a microwave due to a lack of regular informational emails on the subject.
The killings began when a beat reporter was found dead with an ax in his back, the body found on the central table at one of the newspapers’ initial meetings, though this was believed to be unconnected to the other killings until the notion they might be related was recently brought up.
Our world news editor, covering the latest meeting of the United Nations, suddenly died as his earpiece translator was switched out for a device that emitted a fatal sonic boom into his ear.
In addition, an entire investigative team boarded what they believed to be the Vern Express only to be taken away never to be seen again. There is a substantial chance, however, this may have actually been the Vern Express.
The Ax’s publisher was found jammed into the printing press yesterday morning, just the latest in the series of terrible killings.
At this point the killer is believed to be famous Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey, thought responsible for approximately 99.7% of all murders within the District of Columbia.
