WASHINGTON - A new report by the Federal Bureau of Prisons reveals a darker side to one of America’s favorite traditions. Turkeys, pardoned by the President of the United States every Thanksgiving, are being cast aside by society at large.

“There’s simply no safety net there,” began Henry Ulrich, a warden at the Kansas State Federal Turkey Penitentiary, where 2011’s pardoned fowl had previously been serving three consecutive life sentences. “They get out there and they feel like a king for a day, with the whole ceremony in their honor and stuff. But then they’re just thrown on the streets. What are they supposed to do?”

Of the most recent ten turkeys pardoned under Presidents Bush and Obama, only one is gainfully employed, deep fat frying his distant relatives at a Chik-Fil-A in southern Tennessee. Three are dead, one is back on the inside, and the other five have been difficult to track down. Most have become drifters.

Josie Whittiker is the manager at the Chik-Fil-A in which 2009’s bird works as a line cook. She sat down with us and explained the difficulty of being a pardoned turkey.

“I know he needs help, and no one else is gonna do it. I mean, he’s an awful employee, always showing up smashed out of his mind on bird feed and crying every time he’s put on fry cook duty. But someone needs to care for these birds.”

The Federal Bureau of Prisons’ investigation has identified several key issues. Lack of a safety net, poor education, inability to form intelligible speech, and lack of hands and fingers have all been blamed for the disturbing results.

The National Institute for Fowl Justice shifts the blame upwards, however. Their protests in front of the White House rage on into their fifth consecutive year, calling for an end to the practice of throwing turkeys out to dry over Thanksgiving.

Although they declined formal comment, the NIFJ’s publicly available agenda makes no qualms about how difficult finding a solution for everyone, man and feathered beast alike, will be. But for the time being, they’d just be happy with change.

If you would care to donate to the NIFJ, they can be reached at nifj@gmail.com.