WASHINGTON - Following a tumultuous week of plentiful emails about temporary outages to the cloud services at George Washington University, a report is finding that student suicides surged to 36% of the student body.

“This is truly terrible, and we’re very sorry to have shut down all of these truly essential services,” explained a distraught Ben Vinson, Dean of the Columbian College. “We just tried to warn people, but it may have done more harm than good.”

“My roommate jumped out the window because she could not access the C-Track Financial Tracking System,” a tearful Megan Peel, a sophomore, said.

Showing a reckless disregard for student morale, the administration sat idly by as such essential and dear programs as the Citrix XenApp and XenDesktop Virtualized Applications, as well as the JAMF Casper Suite Mac Management Solution, were forcibly taken from a fraught student body.

The university is expected to have made a full recovery by this point, but this shutdown lays question as to whether university policies should be revised.

 “I’m just concerned we weren’t able to warn enough people,” Interim Provost Maltzman sorrowfully expressed. “We should have just - we should have sent out more emails.”