WASHINGTON - A disappointed crowd greeted the Interim Provost, Forrest Maltzman, as he announced he had only been capable of accomplishing in his first month some of his lesser overall goals for his time in the position, including curing all disease and fixing social security.

“I came into this position with a clear set of objectives,” he commented. “I’m sorry to say I’ve only managed to do little things, like stop all crime.”

Some members of the crowd reportedly booed him as he continued to rattle off his paltry resume.

“I wanted him to do more, to really change things, you know?” Jeremy Tepper, a freshman explained. “I wish he could have really done what he was supposed to. What was right, y’know?”

“I’m sorry a peaceful solution to the Middle East was brokered rather than decades of constant aggression as some had hoped,” the Provost also said.

“I am also happy to have gotten Chipotle to take GWorld,” this statement the only part of his speech to garner applause and a standing ovation that lasted for several hours.

The press conference featured the temporary administrator turning water into wine and resurrecting a man from the dead. After his statement, Maltzman stepped off the stage and walked onto the Potomac River.