WASHINGTON - Reports are finally coming in from NASA, confirming that by studying the frequencies of the now-proved gravitational waves, scientists have discovered both the existence and exact location of the pearly gates of Heaven.

“Turns out it’s just a little to the left of Alpha Centauri,” said Paul Young, chief NASA astronomer, with a shrug. “Go figure.”

This discovery, which had been leaked but not confirmed until today, has taken the whole planet by surprise, and citizens of the world are struggling to make sense of it. Universities around the country have been especially hectic as they have received a sudden deluge of Christians seeking degrees in astronomy, and churches of all denominations have been swamped with scientists seeking confessions for the first time in their lives.

“It’s a very interesting revelation, that’s for sure,” said NASA astrophysicist Georgia Allen. “Once we proved Einstein’s theories about gravity waves were expecting to find something big and shocking. Just not, well, this.”

In addition to the bombshell discovery, the scientific community is also reeling from the light this sheds on long-held theories, many of which are being disproved at an alarming rate.

Physicists from Oxford already have theorized, with convincing evidence, that gravitational forces don’t have anything to do with mass. In reality, gravity is strongest wherever there are people to say grace before every meal.

Engineers from MIT now theorize that planes do not, in fact, fly because of air pressure controlled by aerodynamic designs, but instead they do so because invisible angels come to lift the plane with the strength given to them by their respect of elders.

Archeologists from Switzerland have even found evidence to suggest that the demise of the dinosaurs came not from a meteor, but rather courtesy of too many sexual relations out of wedlock.

Naturally, funding for NASA has exploded overnight, with a new deep-space probe to be launched towards Kingdom Come by 2018.

There’s currently a lottery in place, with winners getting a chance to put an item of their choice into the probe’s capsule. Some of the many proposed items include letters to lost loved ones, lengthy and very defensive essays addressed to St. Peter, and several requests for a correspondence with David Bowie, Robin Williams, Fred MacMurray, and so on.

Not to be beaten, however, Virgin CEO Richard Branson has already constructed his own personal shuttle to take him directly to eternal salvation.