Pretty much all of the nerd community has been glued to their television sets as The X-Files has made its triumphant return to prime-time after a 13-year hiatus. It may only be a six-episode miniseries, but it’s triggering major reactions from all you science fiction nuts, and I shudder to think what will happen once the finale airs.
But, my fan-mates, what else is right around the corner? That’s right! Valentine’s Day, the holiday for flowers and fellatio, for chocolates and cunnilingus, and here you are spending all your time wondering exactly how many relatives Scully will have left after the finale. What about that special someone in your life? The Ax sought some professional help for our readers to give us some insight into just how badly this reboot is screwing you over this holiday.
Barry Mason, a professor of biology at American University who specializes in the effect of popular culture phenomenons on sexual behavior, sat down with us this week. Granted, we had to pry him away from his television first, but he had some profound insights to share.
“What we see when we study stuff like this is a profound reduction in sexual activity, as expected. This leaves one or both partners unsatisfied, and can prompt fights, break-ups in some cases, or in my case, a surprisingly forceful kick to the crotch with her brother, who she had slept with while I was busy watching TV. Granted, she was bad news, but I digress,” he said, laughing.
“Personally, I think networks do this all the time. They air cool new stuff right around February 14th, to prey on viewers with healthy sex lives. Look at the Walking Dead! Great ratings, pretty sound business model all around. But look at relationship patterns in relation to this.” We likely could have figured this out on our own based on our resident Walking Dead correspondent/nut, but it was still nice to hear from an authority on the subject.
Regarding the latest X-Files craze, Mason hints that there may be something more specific at work. “I know some people who worked on the revamp of X-Files. From everything they told me, they designed these few episodes specifically to quash every single sexual desire that you may have had going into it.”
This startling, considering that Fox is known for manipulating its viewers much more openly, but we guess it was time to make a change sooner or later.
Mason says this new show may have some biological implications as well. “Preliminary research has shown that watching the new X-Files makes it impossible to achieve sexual pleasure for at least a half hour after viewing. This provides significant problems for those ‘Netflix and Chill’ folks. Causes of this are unknown, but the truth is out there, and examinations of the testes have suggested this is due to an increase in X chromosomes caused by the broadcast. Further studies will hopefully tell us why.”
This is unsettling news, especially since a couple of our staff members can’t get enough of the new reboot. We suggest that all you fanboys and fangirls talk to your partners and get yourselves over to the nearest doctor as soon as you can. But after the episode is over, of course; trust no one.
