ASHBURN, Va.—An entire gaggle of students, professors, administrators, and restaurateurs have all begun the long trek to the famed campus of Virginia Science & Technology after being told by a dying drifter that he had stashed a briefcase full of money under a Big G at the campus.

Professor Caesar, travelling with his wife, mistakenly locked himself in a chemistry lab that has caught fire after a bunsen burner was set off.

Johnny Wints, a junior, has reportedly torn apart a gas station on the way to the campus in a fit of rage.

The mother-in-law of Burl Milton, the university’s deputy assistant dean of student affairs, has attempted to enlist the help of her nephew, who lives at the campus, but a misunderstanding has sent him hurtling in the opposite direction to, as he believes, save his mother.

Chef José Andrés and his close friend Guy Fiedi, closely invested in the neighborhood, have stolen a plane from a private airfield and are attempting to land near the campus, gurning and making ridiculous noises.

The head of financial services at the university, having grown old and weary and tired of life, is following these events with his eyes on taking the fortune for himself. However, he is reportedly weary of losing his hat, on account of its recently being run over deliberately in the street by noted octogenarian Jerry Lewis.

These events mark the first occasion in recorded history any individual has even attempted to visit the Campus of Virginia Science and Technology.

More information is expected to come following the intermission.