“It was just awful,” said cashier Melanie Smalls, who witnessed the entire incident as it unfolded. “The sound of all that Godiva hitting the floor was the loudest thing I ever heard.”
“Police, firemen, even customers were trying to dig him out. Took nine hours.”
Another CVS employee, who requested to remain anonymous, expressed anger that it was left to the employees to clean up the mess after Pines’ body was recovered. “It took us all friggin night, it was gross. Man, I couldn’t even tell what was blood and what was raspberry filling.”
A police investigation ruled out foul play. This sort of incident has actually become very routine for all police departments over the past few years. Though admittedly rare, these incidents have a 96 percent fatality rate.
“Look, you pile up enough chocolate to feed a village on one shelf and it's going to fall. It’s not terribly hard to avoid,” said one officer at the scene.
His comments have sparked some controversy. Some accuse him of simply being insensitive, while others are complaining that his attitude reflects the law’s attitude towards what they believe to be a very serious issue.
In their defense, chocolate based landslide deaths do disproportionately affect single men and women between the ages of 18 and 30.
Studies show that the incredibly low price of Valentine's Day themed candies directly after the 14th, combined with singles’ need to fill the ravenous void in their souls caused by loneliness, creates a siren call of sorts to single people everywhere, often some kind of harbinger calling them to their doom.
“I told him he shouldn’t risk it,” said Rebecca Pines, the victim's younger sister. “He’s been going to these sales for years now. He always laughed when I warned him about this.” She paused mid interview, asking our reporter “it's only 15 percent off, why didn’t he just buy full price?” while choking back tears.
Ms. Pines has now joined a local organization dedicated towards informing the public of the danger of these sales and how to avoid them.
Her first challenge will be to recover from her loss, and her second will be to help and minimize the casualties from discount Easter candy sales next month.
