WASHINTON - Biting down into a sweet sandwich of fresh cookies and slowly melting ice cream seems like it should be the best feeling in the world―and it is. This decadent escape from the stagnation or turbulence of the day-to-day is a gift given to the students of the George Washington University, and indeed the people of Washington as a whole, by the Capital’s own superhero, Captain Cookie.

Despite the good done by the Captain for the community on the whole, there are those who would see him forced into an early retirement, expunged from the fabric of the city.

To get greater insight on this perspective, reporters from the GW Ax spoke with James Garden, who spoke on behalf of several university fitness groups.

“While it feels good to eat a big scoop of ice cream on some cookies, we have to remember that that’s not a healthy or maintainable diet,” Garden told reporters. “Sure, indulging like that from time to time might not be a big problem, but let’s face it, that’s not a meal and there’s just no need for what the Captain is giving us.”

While many are likely to feel that Garden and those who think like him are a bunch of wet blankets (which they are), it is difficult to deny the point they make.

Even so, many do feel a sense admiration for this hero under fire.

“Captain Cookie’s always been there to sweeten our lives. These people are just looking for trouble!” exclaimed Anton Felder, a Columbian College sophomore, “He didn’t do anything wrong!” 

In a follow-up interview, Garden did admit that Captain Cookie serves an important role to both the GW student body and the city as whole, but while he feels the Captain’s intentions are good, his methods are questionable.

“He’s the hero GW deserves, but not the one it needs right now,” Garden gravely concluded.

At presstime Captain Cookie was said to be on the run, while the status of his side-kick, the Milkman, was unknown; it can only be hoped that they will return for finals, when they are truly needed.