GWAX ON / GWAX OFF
Monday, February 29, 2016
Man Crushed Under Mountain of Discount Valentine’s Day Chocolates at CVS
Top Ten Things to Do This Leap Day
We here at the GW Ax have been busily decorating our offices for the finest occasion of them all - leap day! An extra day to do whatever you want! We want to make sure you don’t just enjoy this February 29, we want you to love it! Here’s some things that’ll be sure to make your bonus day a real special one:
Friday, February 26, 2016
President Knapp Stands on Edge of Potomac, Clutches Locket, Cries for Love Lost at Sea
WASHINGTON - The scene was a dramatic one this Saturday night as sources within the GW Ax claim that President Knapp stood longingly at the edge of the Potomac.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Valiant Staff of Local Satire Paper Decide to Scrap Crazy Racist Idea at Last Minute
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| The GW Ax newsroom. |
WASHINGTON - The heroes that staff local humor publication the GW Ax dared to ditch their latest of many article ideas that are horrifically offensive to people of all races and creeds.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Horrible Mistake with Room Swap System Sees Junior Inherit Knapp’s Lavish Country Estate
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
UW Classes No Longer to Be Held on Vern, Moved to Virginia Science and Technology
WASHINGTON - Administrators very happily announced in a universally beloved move that the mandatory freshman University Writing courses are no longer to be held at the desolate wasteland of the Mount Vernon Campus.
Discovery of Gravitational Waves Lead to Discovery of Heaven’s Pearly Gates
WASHINGTON - Reports are finally coming in from NASA, confirming that by studying the frequencies of the now-proved gravitational waves, scientists have discovered both the existence and exact location of the pearly gates of Heaven.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Dean Vinson Finally Crafts Unholy Fusion of Arts & Sciences, Triggers End-Times
Sanders Campaign Receives Order of 5,000 Power Tools
Friday, February 19, 2016
Knappster Finally Returns to Underground Music Scene
Nevada Caucuses to be Decided by Game of Twister
RENO, Nev. - Both the Republican and Democratic parties of the state of Nevada miraculously agreed that in the event of a tie for the upcoming caucus, the results will be decided by a game of twister between the candidates.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Administration Threatens Students With Mandatory Trip to Mount Vernon Estate
WASHINGTON - Administrators at George Washington University caused controversy on Saturday when, upon reflecting on the latest ways to torment the student body, they commented they were considering additional mandatory trips to the famous home of the university’s namesake at Mount Vernon.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Administrators Question Whether or Not Missing Bodies Paid Tuition Before Disappearing
Do Rabbits Actually Have Good Eyesight, from all the Carrots?: A Study
The century old question simply must be answered, and quickly — Do rabbits have better eyesight because of the carrots? The answer is to be revealed through our studies (which are being made up on the spot).
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
After Two Weeks of Lament, Student Decides “No More Tears for O’Malley”
WASHINGTON - With the Iowa caucuses quickly fading into the rearview mirror, some voters are still picking-up the pieces following the collapse of their campaigns of choice.
SEH Pipes Crushed Under Pressure of Living Up to Knapp’s Expectations
Monday, February 15, 2016
Minor Accomplishments of Interim Provost’s First Month Include Solving World Hunger, Brokering Peace in Middle East
WASHINGTON - A disappointed crowd greeted the Interim Provost, Forrest Maltzman, as he announced he had only been capable of accomplishing in his first month some of his lesser overall goals for his time in the position, including curing all disease and fixing social security.
GW Librarian Begins Search for Oldest Trick in the Book
WASHINGTON - It is said that there is nothing which you cannot find in a good library; with these words in mind, George Washington University librarian Judith Alton recently turned some heads when she announced that she would be beginning a search for the oldest trick in the book.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Why the X-Files Reboot is Killing Your Sex Life—A Scientist’s Perspective
Pretty much all of the nerd community has been glued to their television sets as The X-Files has made its triumphant return to prime-time after a 13-year hiatus. It may only be a six-episode miniseries, but it’s triggering major reactions from all you science fiction nuts, and I shudder to think what will happen once the finale airs.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Top 10 Best and Worst Valentine's Day Gifts
We here at the GW Ax know how trying this season can be. So for you Romeos and Juliets who have put things off until today, here are some fresh ideas!
Netflix Introduces New Service for Singles this Valentine’s Day: Netflix and Cry
LOS GATOS, Ca. - It’s that special time of year again, the time to show how much you care for your loved ones with cards, chocolate, and skimpy rose-red lingerie.
Friday, February 12, 2016
In Blinding Storm of Apathy, Delaware Sinks Into the Ocean
DOVER - In what can only be considered a geographic miracle, the entire state of Delaware has seemingly sunk into the Atlantic Ocean, presumably at some point between December and last Tuesday.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
State Department Withholds Clinton Emails Containing Embarrassing Snapshot of Bill at the Christmas Party
WASHINGTON - A statement this week from the State Department says they’re still sifting through Hillary’s emails for some reason, but we’re glad they did. An analyst has come forward saying he’s reached the jackpot of classified information- an email from Hillary to a friend and senator containing an embarrassing snapshot of husband Bill at the Christmas party.
Oregon Protesters Retreat to Area Treehouse
SALEM, Ore. - Following Ammon Bundy’s arrest, most of his followers have given up their occupation of the Malhuer National Wildlife Range. Some, however, left the Range and promptly occupied the nearby Fort Awesome--a tree house of a young Billy Cooper, an area middle schooler.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Chase Ensues as Drifter Reveals Endowment Stashed Under Big G at Campus of Virginia Science and Technology
ASHBURN, Va.—An entire gaggle of students, professors, administrators, and restaurateurs have all begun the long trek to the famed campus of Virginia Science & Technology after being told by a dying drifter that he had stashed a briefcase full of money under a Big G at the campus.
Captain Cookie: The Hero GW Deserves, Not the Hero It Needs
WASHINTON - Biting down into a sweet sandwich of fresh cookies and slowly melting ice cream seems like it should be the best feeling in the world―and it is. This decadent escape from the stagnation or turbulence of the day-to-day is a gift given to the students of the George Washington University, and indeed the people of Washington as a whole, by the Capital’s own superhero, Captain Cookie.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Time Traveler returns to 2025 after preventing Jim Gilmore Presidency
Frenzied Pigeon Stuck in Senate Chamber Causes Congressional Panic
WASHINGTON - Just as the United States Congress was beginning to settle back into its slow and laborious routine following Winter Storm Jonas, another interruption quite literally swept down upon the Senate.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Local Student From Greenwich Reminisces About Awful Home State
GREENWICH, Ct. - Correspondents close to Ezekiel Thumbplant III report that he continues to unabashedly support his home state of Connecticut. Hailing from Greenwich, purportedly rarely passing up an opportunity to shill for the Nutmeg State.
Student Suicide Rate Soars Without Access to Beloved Columbian College Cloud Services
Broncos Take on Panthers in Bestial Super Bowl Fight to Death
SANTA CLARA, Ca. - Levi’s Stadium hosted Super Bowl 50 yesterday, the national event that pit the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers together in the fight of the year.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Politically Confused Student Wonders Who Karl Marx Would Have Voted For
WASHINGTON ― With the primary campaign season coming to a boil, it’s a tough call for many deciding which candidate should get their vote. All of this hullabaloo about the election led Joshua Stilt, a junior in the George Washington University’s Columbian College of Arts and Sciences, to turn his attention to theorizing for whom the famed political theorist Karl Marx would cast his ballot.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Students from American Travel Into Town to Trade Week's Crops at Market
WASHINGTON - With a straw of wheat in each of their mouths, another gaggle of students from local institution American University have travelled into the big city to trade their valuable resources with other such entrepreneurs.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Jeb Bush Revealed to be Barbara Bush without Pearls
DES MOINES - Shock and awe were the sentiments of many at the recent revelation of a profound and unexpected connection between current fifth place Republican presidential candidate, Jeb Bush, and his mother, ninety year old former First Lady, Barbara Bush.