WASHINGTON - There comes a time in any institution’s life when money inevitably becomes tight. Unfortunately for Foggy Bottom residents, the George Washington University is at just such a point.
The financially desperate institution unveiled a very sad new plan yesterday to just let students police themselves.
Following on the heels of revolutionary cost cutting measures such as no longer requiring SAT scores and filling an entire building with really old pieces of cloth and totally removing all security from the entrances to all dormitories even though the school is in one of the cities with the highest crime rates in the country, administrators hope that this bold new step will serve as an inspiration for universities across the nation.
Dr. Calvin Klevnoff, a chief player in many of these revolutionary new policies and a professor in the university’s world-renowned budget-cutting department, shared inspirational words on Monday.
“It’s different and some people won’t like that, but some people just don’t get change. It’s time to bring the university into a new era,” he explained. “Our students are already basically self-sufficient, they’re young adults with high stress lives and easy access to alcohol. How bad could it possibly get?”
Not everyone at the university is quite so optimistic.
“I get the whole filling a building with old sheets thing, and the super dorm, or mega dorm, or whatever, is fine too, I guess. Cutting back on food staff? No problem,” Katrina Gordstein, a junior, said. “These are all fiscally responsible measures. But this time they’ve gone too far.”
Although recent surveys show that GW students almost unanimously agree that the textile museum and massive construction and urban development have been brilliant fiscal masterstrokes, many doubt if cutting the police force will free up enough money for similarly ingenious long-term spending endeavours.
“As for an alternative idea to save some money,” continued Gordstein. “I’m thinking building a monorail through campus would probably help.”
As of press time, the administration is reportedly considering Ms. Gordstein’s bold new proposal, with a preliminary budget set at $750 million.
