WASHINTON - Following a long history of financial woes, the George Washington University unveiled last Wednesday that they would begin accepting human organs and other body parts as tuition payments.The revolutionary new program seeks to make paying off loans easier for those Foggy Bottom students who find that scraping together the meager $64,000 a year required for attendance more difficult than it is worth. Steven Knapp, current president at the university, feels that the option is a positive shift.
“It’s all about options,” began Knapp, comfortably seated in his office. “Some students don’t have the money they used to and the administration is sympathetic. So we came up with an idea that works best [for the students]. You’re never going to use that second kidney, you and I both know it. And your spleen? Don’t make me laugh. We’ll put them to good use, and you’ll get an almost top fifty education. Almost.”
The University has set up a system by which organs are extracted at the local hospital and transferred for safe and secure sale on the nation’s industrious organ black market. A special subcommittee within the office of financial aid has been created to deal with the added workload.
“It pays well, so I really can’t complain,” said Rick Mosby, a specialist hired for the aforementioned office, wearing a black trench coat with suspicious staining around the bottom, like all loan repayment specialists. “Kids gotta learn, I gotta feed the wife, and no one really needs two intestinal tracts.”
Not everyone on campus was so optimistic.
“I gave them my liver last semester as part of the pilot program, and I’ve gotta admit- I’ve missed it considerably.” Local sophomore Kacey Jameson explained. “They penny-pinch at every corner. They tell me anesthesia is an extra fifty bucks? The hell am I? A Rockefeller?”
Despite student frustrations, a record 600 Foggy Bottom youth have signed on for the program, making it the University’s second most successful endeavor, bested only by its beloved Textile Museum.
The Ax reached out to Sallie Mae, the supposed inspiration for the program, but received only the blood curdling screeches of the innocent in response.
