WASHINGTON - Following the recent condensed burst of school shootings (as opposed to the average, monthly events), the US Department of Education has announced it is to offer free pizza-based celebrations as reparations for the campus with the most gun-related violence.“There’s always a lack of response, we know that,” the Secretary of Education explained. “No matter how tragic the incident is, after a week or two, nobody seems to give a shit. It’s a hopeless cycle that every other country in the world seems to have figured out, but we just can’t get our heads wrapped around it. But who doesn’t love pizza?”
The response to the competition has been unrivaled, for both positives and negatives.
“People are offended, which honestly amazes me,” he continued. “People don’t even get worked up over the shootings anymore. As I’ve already said, there’s no way we can stop the shootings from happening, it’s absolutely a lost cause. Lately, people don’t even get upset afterwards, it’s just routine. At least now there can be some outrage!”
Reactions at universities nationwide have been generally positive.
“I don’t care about the gun stuff. I’m just protesting because I don’t like pepperoni,” one student elucidated. This rang true from most other students in the crowd as well.
A spokesperson from the National Rifle Association gave his mind on the issue.
“[This competition] is absurd and insensitive, pushing pepperoni down people’s throats is just plain rude to all the victims of vegetarianism,” he said.
