WASHINGTON - Nervously motioning the group of prospective students and their middle aged guardians towards the School of Business, early reports indicate that many tour guides at the George Washington University are now entirely omitting the Lair of the Old Ones from their tours around campus.As a direct result, many students do not even realize the Glorious Face of Madness resides at the university for several months a year. These students typically do not find out until the appropriate three minute musical sketch at Colonial Inauguration, titled “Becky Brought Home the Devourer of Worlds... Again!”.
The ungodly abominations have called the university their autumnal home for nearly fifty years, often seen sitting outside of Potbelly’s, sipping a coffee near Starbuck’s, or devouring the Souls of the Ungrateful and Fearful.
Many students have simply let these horrors from beyond our comprehension slip into the annoyances of day to day life, no more of an inconvenience than the long lines at the GW Deli.
“It’s an ethical issue,” began a university tour guide, Kristi. “I knew what I was getting into when I applied here, plain and simple. It might scare away some of the students, so I think they have a right to know what’s happening here.”
Kristi is one of the few tour guides who still regularly shows prospective visitors to the university’s campus the Lair of the Old Gods. Reactions, she says, have been mixed.
“You’re always going to have overprotective parents who say, ‘oh, let’s go to American University, they don’t have abominations from the fourth dimension forcing your descent into madness.’ I just want to yell at them, ‘your kid is eighteen! It’s time to cut the cord!’”
Kristi remains in the minority.
“We had a tour group come through here, I was in charge of them. We get to Funger, right by the Lair, right, and suddenly one of them just descends into incomprehensible babbling,” another tour guide explained. “There I was, trying to talk about all of our great financial aid opportunities and I’ve got some random guy writing ‘Zzof Shuul’wah thog fssh N’Zoth’ on the wall in their own blood. Ever try distracting a tour group from that?”
The Old Gods, it seems, are simply becoming more trouble than they’re worth on campus tours. Many felt it difficult to justify the time and sanity wasted by disclosing their presence.
“Guides like Kristi are well within their right to keep showing the Lair of the Forgotten Tormentors,” the other guide continued. “But, to me, it’s just more trouble than it’s worth; same reason I don’t even bother showing them the Vern anymore.”
