WASHINGTON - Sources close to the student claim Rodney Bolt has begun making upsetting claims about his cultural heritage.“It started out innocently enough,” his roommate said. “We were just chilling in our dorm, right? He’s on the phone with a friend back home or something, shooting the breeze, and they get to talking about a possible visit. That’s when he says it, he says something like ‘I can’t wait to show you around, because DC is my city.’ [We’ve] totally lost all faith in him.”
Phil Fitzgerald, Bolt’s aforementioned roommate and confidant, was the first to uncover this unsettling trend. He says it has only gotten worse as weeks have progressed.
Bolt, a freshman from Moosenape, Nebraska, has decided the District of Columbia as his native stomping ground, despite having never left the confines of the well policed and culturally deficient Foggy Bottom neighborhood. He claims to “basically have the layout down,” despite being afraid to step foot in any neighborhood north of his Foggy Bottom home.
“I mean this isn’t too different from Moosenape,” began the misguided freshman, referring to his home town of 1,048. “Like, there’s traffic lights, and some more stuff to do, but the culture is basically the same. I feel like I’ve been living here forever.”
The Ax interviewed Bolt at the Starbucks a block away from his Thurston home. The initially proposed location of the Starbucks near the Farragut West Metro station was rejected, being “in kind of a sketchy neighborhood” according to him.
“You have natives here that are always ragging on us ‘plants,” said Bolt, poking at his Vanilla Chai Latté. “I mean, I’m sorry if I’ve never been to Ben’s Chili Bowl, I don’t want to get shanked. I’m just more street smart than the natives, and they resent me for that.”
When asked as to his plans to possibly stay in Washington after graduation, Rodney seemed optimistic.
“Of course I wanna live here! I mean I already know where the monuments are, and Whole Foods[...] I’m not gonna just flush that down the drain,” the sad, sad man continued. “Besides, my Women’s Studies degree will probably net me at least two grand a month in salary. I’ll have no problem living here. Hell, I’ll be pretty rich by the District’s standards.”
Bolt has since been spotted buying yet another Washington D.C. hoodie from a local street vendor.
