WASHINGTON - Startling new research from the university’s department of psychology has found students are most able to justify buying their meals from 7/11 between the hours of 2 a.m. and 8 a.m.“I was actually shocked by the results,” stated Dr. Alexander Rutstien. “Thousands of students were willing to give up on their life goals and self-control, eating nothing more than sour gummy worms and a slice of cold pizza for dinner. The desperation, the craving that students must feel is clear”.
The study followed 350 undergraduate students at the university, tracking their movements and dietary choices through harmless ear tags, not dissimilar to tags used to track the flight patterns of migratory birds.
These students were typically repulsed by the rest stop’s poorly cooked offerings for 18 hours out of the day, opting to instead eat healthier choices like kale, hummus, or the grass trimmings found on the sidewalk in University Yard.
Yet, when morning essay deadlines began to loom, nearly all of them were willing to engorge themselves on so-called “BBQ-flavored” pigeon meat masquerading as chicken wings.
“Calories don’t count after 2 a.m. [...] Like, it’s basic science, you know?” rationalized Jack Mulargly, an Elliott School sophomore, “And, I mean, I’ve definitely made worse decisions in my life”. Feelings similar to these were commonly used as excuses by other desperate, hungry, hung-over students.
Responses to the post-experiment questionnaire ranged wildly from ‘I could do worse’ to ‘7/11 cares about me’, clearly indicative of the students’ unhealthy relationship with the favorite eatery of the local homeless population.
7/11 has reported record high sales of Papal merchandise in the past several weeks.
“I just didn’t want to disappoint my grandma,” a student explained.
