Do you really want to wow partygoers this October 31st? The GW Ax has got you covered. Here, we present the ten sexiest Halloween Costumes for 2015!

1. Cocaine
2. Dr. Bill Cosby
3. Coal Miner
4. Martha Washington
5. Kramer
6. The Curiosity Rover
7. ALF
8. The Twitter Bird
9. Leonid Brezhnev
10. Classic Ghost (without the sheet)

WASHINGTON - Officials from George Washington University announced this week that they have rescinded Dr. Bill Cosby’s honorary degree in light of recent sexual assault claims from numerous women. Crosstown rival American University, not to be outdone, responded by offering Cosby a replacement degree.

Administration had been in talks about revoking the degree after seven other universities have done the same to Cosby in the last couple of months.

President Knapp released a statement this week saying that the university has decided to take back the degree, going so far as to say that it was probably a misguided move to give it in the first place, as well as highlighting how Cosby is just as funny and entertaining as ever.

After a poorly received and frankly nauseating op-ed from former President Trachtenberg, the university decided that it was time to stop putting any stock in what this clearly sick, twisted man has to say and actually do something for themselves for once.

As such, they have stopped Trachtenberg from publishing further opinion pieces.

Cosby was awarded his new degree from American University, in what is presumed to be a completely successful attempt to spite George Washington University. Thanks to Yik Yak, it is apparent anyone at the former can get a degree; this move is simply representative of that.

“He’s a gross rapist and everything, sure,” a representative from American commented in a briefing, “but we’ll take any opportunity we can get to one-up GW.”

WASHINGTON - Steven Knapp, president of the George Washington University, has announced plans to construct an all-new evil base of operations on the Mount Vernon campus.

“Bwa-ha-ha!” Knapp commented, using his signature catchphrase. The sound of a horse neighing immediately followed his statement.

In his latest fiendish scheme, Knapp has quite literally targeted the imagination of young people everywhere through cutting the budget for the university’s creative writing department.

Meeting the board, Knapp outlined his hopes for the potential functions the lair could provide.

“There will be a pool of sharks,” he explained, coolly. “Two students shall be lowered in. One shall emerge.”

One board member, hesitant to approve the bold new plan, was immediately killed as Knapp pressed a button at his control board, electrifying the member’s chair.

“We will steal a nuclear warhead,” Knapp fiendishly said. “We will hold the world for ransom.”

He also announced plans to expand the university’s new textile museum and volunteer programs.

NEW MEXICO — Paleontologists discovered a new species of ostrich-like dinosaur called Tototl mimus this week, and it somehow still matters.

This discovery was met with mediocre and well deserved praise, and left people not wondering why they hadn’t heard about it on national news. The media neglected to cover this amazing find, presumably because half the people in this country can’t spell or pronounce the name Tototl mimus.

Academics in the field of paleontology were presumably thrilled with this new discovery, although we’re not sure because we didn’t bother to interview them for this article. They tried to make a big fuss about the new species, saying something about how it’s a cool new link in the dinosaur tree of life. They apparently thought people were listening to what they had to say when they announced the discovery, and apparently didn’t realize that everyone just turned on some music until they went away.

“This is amazing!” said Alex Ruebenstahl, the only undergrad on campus who appears to care about this sort of thing. He then proceeded to list the reasons why, including “excellent preservation of the material that is semi articulated,” until he realized that we had tuned him out and walked away.

Presumably scientists are doing something with this new find, although we don’t plan on hearing about it any time soon.

WASHINGTON - Following a disappointing recruitment season, GW Hillel has voted to call down the first of several Plagues of Egypt upon the residents of the George Washington University.

“I think that Jewish-Americans everywhere are in a bit of a recruitment crisis,” began Leanne Baker, representative of GW’s local Hillel sect. “It’s not even just Jewish Americans- I understand the Church is having trouble drawing youth, too. There’s only so much we can do.”

Before summoning a plague of ravenous locusts to devour the skin of the unwilling and the crops of the blasphemous, Hillel tried a variety of fun and festive events to stir up enthusiasm among the local Jewish community. Although their kosher barbecue and Sukkah warfare were met with steady attendance, they just couldn’t seem to meet their quotas.

“I respect the gentiles on campus, all seven or eight of them,” continued Baker. “But we’ve got quotas to fill and blasphemers to convert. The GW Catholics got the Pope. What do we have? Moses isn’t due to come to DC for at least another five or six years.”

The progressive plan to rain locusts and pestilence upon the campus is simply one step in an all-encompassing plan to get students pumped for Judaism. The second step has been temporarily suspended until Hillel can locate another hundred or so frogs.

The unending blight of hardship upon the non-believers has been met with decidedly mixed reactions on campus.

“You can believe whatever you want, really you can. It doesn’t bother me. Hell, I didn’t even complain when they held that circumcision thing in Kogan, even if I thought it was in poor taste. But they’ve gone too far,” said Junior Roger Javorski, an exchange student from Ottawa, Canada.

“I’m covered in blisters, my sink is full of blood, my parents called and said that my older brother is dead,” Javorski, eying his drink, then loudly swore. “Now there’s a locust in my chai. I’m calling Student Services.”

GW Hillel reports the aggressive guerrilla marketing is working.

“People are noticing us, and honestly that’s the first step to changing the world for the better.”

A suspicious shipment of horses and swords have reportedly been delivered to the GW Catholics. They have chosen not to comment.

WASHINGTON - The university's hopes of finally getting a new provost were dashed last Wednesday as the newly hired Dr. Henry H. Calvin was fatally struck by the Vern Express.

At a sophisticated gala, President Knapp announced the new provost’s name as Calvin came out and gave a short address. He then stepped from the podium, and immediately onto E Street where the accident occurred as Calvin crossed the street.

The university released a statement following the accident.

“We offer our deepest condolences to Dr. Calvin’s family, and regretfully begin the endless process of searching for a new Provost again.”

Calvin had been hired early in October after much consideration from university administration for what has become a hotly contested position.

In his statement he said he was excited to take on the role of GW Provost, and that he looked forward to “hiring some people, putting money in programs that need it, and some other important work.” These plans shall not occur on account of his death.

The shuttle that hit Calvin has since been decommissioned in another blow to the already awful Vern Express service hours. Students say that this gives them one less excuse to visit the Vern.

“I don’t know who this guy is, but like, the Vex killed him, and that sucks. And now I can blame the Vex for missing chem,” explained business school junior Samantha Miller at his funeral.

There has been no word yet on how long the university plans to go without a Provost in this time of crisis.

WASHINGTON - At a press conference on Friday morning, James Beruch, a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association (APA), announced that, after months of deliberation, leading psychologists has scientifically determined that they are not scientists.

However, Beruch has come under fire for following this announcement with less than savory comments about another field of science.

“At least we’re not sociologists, right?” He said, almost immediately regretful upon witnessing the wave of silence from the entire press corps that followed. “I mean, how bad would that be?

Beruch maintains that his microphone had been left on by mistake and the offending remarks were not to be taken seriously, though most offensive is his absolutely terrible attempt at backpedaling those same remarks.

This announcement was met with shock and outrage across the country and the world.
“I’m never going to therapy again!” exclaimed one woman, “all this time I thought there was some science behind it, but I guess my shrink was just guy with an office and a couch after all.”

John Golpmule, a Pfizer chemical engineer, shared his initial reaction to the news.
“It was a bit hard to swallow at first,” he said. “I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who felt betrayed, especially with that ribbing at the sociologists. I don’t know what that was all about.”

This sense of betrayal was one which was echoed by scientists in many other fields. Radford Aero, a leading psychologist from Van Nuys, California who was part of the decision, offered a few thoughts on why scientists are taking the announcement so hard.

“What we’re observing here is a case of mass betrayal trauma,” Aero explained. “STEM field workers felt that we were part of their ‘scientific family’, so to speak, and now that relationship has been invalidated.”

“But what do I know, I’m not a scientist.”

APA President Barry S. Anton announced that association would be holding counseling sessions at their headquarters for anyone who seeks help coming to terms with the pronouncement.

James Beruch offered an apology to the sociologists of the world and turned-in his resignation. He has yet to issue an apology to the world of crowd-work comedy, who have also been seriously offended.

Meanwhile, most of the public was trying to figure out exactly what sociology is. A study is being conducted to determine the roots of this social trend, but we do not know what kind of scientist would be able to do this for us.

WASHINGTON - Nervously motioning the group of prospective students and their middle aged guardians towards the School of Business, early reports indicate that many tour guides at the George Washington University are now entirely omitting the Lair of the Old Ones from their tours around campus.
As a direct result, many students do not even realize the Glorious Face of Madness resides at the university for several months a year. These students typically do not find out until the appropriate three minute musical sketch at Colonial Inauguration, titled “Becky Brought Home the Devourer of Worlds... Again!”.
The ungodly abominations have called the university their autumnal home for nearly fifty years, often seen sitting outside of Potbelly’s, sipping a coffee near Starbuck’s, or devouring the Souls of the Ungrateful and Fearful.
Many students have simply let these horrors from beyond our comprehension slip into the annoyances of day to day life, no more of an inconvenience than the long lines at the GW Deli.
“It’s an ethical issue,” began a university tour guide, Kristi. “I knew what I was getting into when I applied here, plain and simple. It might scare away some of the students, so I think they have a right to know what’s happening here.”
Kristi is one of the few tour guides who still regularly shows prospective visitors to the university’s campus the Lair of the Old Gods. Reactions, she says, have been mixed.
“You’re always going to have overprotective parents who say, ‘oh, let’s go to American University, they don’t have abominations from the fourth dimension forcing your descent into madness.’ I just want to yell at them, ‘your kid is eighteen! It’s time to cut the cord!’”
Kristi remains in the minority.
“We had a tour group come through here, I was in charge of them. We get to Funger, right by the Lair, right, and suddenly one of them just descends into incomprehensible babbling,” another tour guide explained. “There I was, trying to talk about all of our great financial aid opportunities and I’ve got some random guy writing ‘Zzof Shuul’wah thog fssh N’Zoth’ on the wall in their own blood. Ever try distracting a tour group from that?”
The Old Gods, it seems, are simply becoming more trouble than they’re worth on campus tours. Many felt it difficult to justify the time and sanity wasted by disclosing their presence.
“Guides like Kristi are well within their right to keep showing the Lair of the Forgotten Tormentors,” the other guide continued. “But, to me, it’s just more trouble than it’s worth; same reason I don’t even bother showing them the Vern anymore.”

Liberals

1. Cocaine.
2. Something about guns, I think.
3. Rubio forgot to put the toilet seat down again.
4. The middle class, the rich, but usually not the poor.
5. You mean all of the Supreme Court Justices are still alive? HOW?
6. Israel? Palestine? It’s hard to say, really.
7. They’re still pretty pissed about the Platt Amendment.
8. Plans to resurrect JFK is going slower than expected.
9. Carson’s goddamn voice. Makes it impossible to be angry about anything.
10. Proposed giant wall to keep Texans out of the Union has met mixed reactions.

Conservatives

1. Cocaine
2. The Congressional Cafeteria is out of cheesey bread again.
3. 4 a.m. Bill Clinton prank calls.
4. The poor, the rich, but usually not the middle class.
5. The amount of money they’ll have to spend to pretend they have a chance in 2016
6. Proposed repeal of the third amendment, allowing troops to be quartered in US homes.
7. Not enough buildings are named after James K. Polk.
8. Not enough Reagan worship. Seriously, the man’s a god. And damn good looking
9. Something about vaccinating climate change.
10. Goddamn illegal Canadian immigrants bought all the maple syrup at Costco again.

 
The king of family entertainment, Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr., is to be the first individual with the unique honor of being given a second honorary degree by George Washington University this December.
The university purportedly meant to ask Madeline Albright for the unique pleasure of delivering a second address, but unfortunately sent the request to the wrong email address.
The University quickly issued a retraction, only to have discovered their backup speaker to be 2012 commencement speaker Brian Williams. Fortunately, Mr. Williams opted out, citing his being busy working on a military helicopter.
Always keeping a backup in mind, the university also made plans to bring forward star of The League Steve Rannazzisi as the replacement, but for some reason received no response when contacted. Other candidates the university were apparently keeping in mind in the, again, very outdated list include Jerry Sandusky and Jared Fogle.
A feminist activist group has registered unrest with this decision, but Dr. Cosby is planning on going ahead anyway, as per usual.

WASHINGTON ― The face of the National Mall may be seeing a make-over in the near future after a recent poll by the United States Census Bureau revealed that a large number of Americans were no longer satisfied with the Lincoln Memorial.
This may come as a horrifying shock to any red-blooded American readers, but reports have shown that the popularity of the now century-old national icon have been falling for at least a decade. A flurry of reporters and patriots from the Ax took to the historic steps earlier this week to find out just what has been ruffling so many feathers.
“It sends the wrong message to our children,” said Joyce Haarspun, a Philadelphia-area mother of three. “He just sits there all day, and the government pays for it! When I take my kids to our national icons, that’s not what I want them to walk away with.”
Mrs. Haarspun’s dual critique of both the time-honored monument and the American welfare system was far from the only one Ax reporters heard.
While visitors from across the country chimed in to shed light on the hallowed spot’s fall from grace, the most revealing insights came from National Park Service Director Jonathan Jarvis, who, in an unprecedented exposé, shared the inside scoop on of where it all went wrong for the world renowned memorial.
“It all really started in 1994 with Forrest Gump,” he began to tell reporters. “That was when visitorship peaked.”
Things went sour when Jarvis’s predecessors attempted to capitalize on the historic site’s booming success. Over the next fifteen years the monument would be featured in numerous films of varying success, including Tim Burton’s forgettable take on Planet of the Apes in 2001.
“At some point during this time a line was crossed and the public knew it,” Jarvis reflected. “I think it was after Ben Stiller talked with the statue in Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It was just too much!”
The National Park Service Director’s views were echoed by a number of those who were interviewed by the Ax.
“After Megatron broke the statue and then sat on the throne in the third Transformers movie, the whole thing just feels cheap, you know?” said one Nevada tourist. “I just feel like the Park Service sold out. And where’s Megatron?”
All may not be lost however for the monument. Recently, the First Lady announced a desire to redesign the site to feature a more active Lincoln as part of her Let’s Move initiative. It has been reported that Congress has broken into a vigorous gridlock over whether the proposed new monument should feature Lincoln jogging or doing calisthenics.

WASHINGTON - Students were thrilled and confused this week when Gelman Library unveiled plans to transform the sixth floor from dull silent study area to vibrant, sexy pleasure house.
“We wanted to make students actually want to be here,” said a spokesperson for the library. “We feel this plan is the perfect way to benefit the student body and offer a respite from work.”
The plan proposes a complete remodel of the sixth floor by the Spring 2017 semester, and the proposed revamp definitely gives off a kinky vibe. Bright red paints, dim lights and sleek comfortable beds and couches are sure to offer students a first class way to vent their pent-up sexual frustration.
The palace is free to use for any student with a valid GWorld, with the option for a plus one.
“This is so great, I can bring my Georgetown boyfriend!” said student Ashley Taylor.
Those not from the university will need to provide valid identification and those bringing students from American or Georgetown should do so at their own risk.
Some are worried that the proposal will make Tinder dates and frat party hook-ups a thing of the past, which certain students think is a good thing.
“Finally, now I can sleep with other crazy horny people and stop being rejected on Tinder!” expressed an Elliott school sophomore.
Faculty also expressed their approval.
“This is a great way to build positive support for GW’s library, and to give the students an outlet for university sanctioned, much needed coital stress relief,” a spokesperson for the Columbian College Dean’s office commented.
Parents are surprisingly also on board, saying they are happy the university is doing something to benefit the wellbeing of students, according to a Colonials Weekend survey.
The remodel is scheduled to begin over the upcoming winter break.

WASHINGTON - After their last match, the soccer program at George Washington University has once again proven itself to be adequate at best.
Their performance was overflowing with average shots and suitable passes - perfectly complementing their “well-I’ve-seen-worse” defense.
Recent analyst polls suggest the team could maybe even finish .500 for the season, meaning an equal number of wins and losses, just cementing their, frankly, tepid standing.
An interview with the team’s captain sends a message out to all competitors.
“Watch out,” he said. “We’re gonna play a unremarkable, solid game against you, and expect to be underwhelmed.”

WASHINGTON - Following the recent condensed burst of school shootings (as opposed to the average, monthly events), the US Department of Education has announced it is to offer free pizza-based celebrations as reparations for the campus with the most gun-related violence.
“There’s always a lack of response, we know that,” the Secretary of Education explained. “No matter how tragic the incident is, after a week or two, nobody seems to give a shit. It’s a hopeless cycle that every other country in the world seems to have figured out, but we just can’t get our heads wrapped around it. But who doesn’t love pizza?”
The response to the competition has been unrivaled, for both positives and negatives.
“People are offended, which honestly amazes me,” he continued. “People don’t even get worked up over the shootings anymore. As I’ve already said, there’s no way we can stop the shootings from happening, it’s absolutely a lost cause. Lately, people don’t even get upset afterwards, it’s just routine. At least now there can be some outrage!”
Reactions at universities nationwide have been generally positive.
“I don’t care about the gun stuff. I’m just protesting because I don’t like pepperoni,” one student elucidated. This rang true from most other students in the crowd as well.
A spokesperson from the National Rifle Association gave his mind on the issue.
“[This competition] is absurd and insensitive, pushing pepperoni down people’s throats is just plain rude to all the victims of vegetarianism,” he said.

WASHINGTON - Health officials at the George Washington University delivered a somber message to the school’s student body this Tuesday, announcing that Thurston Hall has been crippled by a grisly Cooties pandemic.
The dormitory, a staple of freshman housing at the school’s Foggy Bottom campus, is far from prone to negative news.
Just last month an invasion of tarsiers, a species of small tropical primates, forced many students to seek temporary housing in other locations. The month prior a leprosy outbreak taught incoming freshmen the difficulties of college life.
Yet, health officials claim that these issues pale in comparison to the threat of a full cooties pandemic.
“We have to take some of the blame for this. Proper education could have prevented the infestation, we’re sure of it, but unfortunately we spent too much time focusing on less important issues, like alcohol abuse and the dangers of unprotected intercourse,” Miguel Abrazo, the head of Student Health Services, said in the emergency address.
The address was uncharacteristically solemn and emotional, delivered with shaking voice and tear-stained tissues.
The speech outlined a bevy of preventative measures against cooties.
Holding hands with cute girls or hunky boys at recess and friendly hugs in between classes when the teacher wasn’t looking are strictly forbidden to the freshman class, as these are the favored mode of transportation for the six legged insects, their Latin name Cootificus huggandkiss.
“I walk through this campus and I know I’ve failed you. Every time I see someone passing folded ‘will you go out with me, please check one?’ notes or sharing their peanut butter and jelly uncrustables, I know that cooties have claimed another victim. It’s all fun and games until someone is making a heart with their hands and then people die.”
Protection, Abrazo warned, is the only certain way to prevent Cooties from spreading further than the halls of Thurston. Any hand-holding should be done only with latex surgical gloves, and quick kisses on the cheek are only acceptable when both parties are wearing approved CPR masks.
“I haven’t seen an outbreak this severe since I taught second grade in a public elementary school,” Explained a Health Services agent in a short question and answers session following the briefing. “Cooties are no laughing matter, but I know that GW can get through this together. We will get through this together.”
The Cooties have, at press time, broken the heart of five freshmen and left at least forty more hopelessly love-struck. Six students have died.

Pros

1. Cocaine.
2. Immediate friendships with a whole bunch of probably lovely people.
3. You really don’t get enough excuses to binge drink in a suit.
4. Connections that you’ll probably forget to use until 4th quarter senior year.
5. Dad would probably be pretty happy.
6. Conformity was basically the best part of high school.
7. Pretty sure Wingos is at one of these rush events.
8. Join the prestigious ranks of Reagan, JFK, Uncle Micky from back home.
9. Housing is pretty nice Monday through Tuesday.
10. Philanthropy can give you both confidence and alcohol on the same day.

Cons

1. Cocaine.
2. Gary is a dick, you probably wouldn’t want to be his ‘brother.’
3. You’d have to learn the Greek Alphabet.
4. Current habit of spending Saturday nights eating pizza bagels and binge watching Friends is pretty great.
5. Boating shoes are expensive.
6. So are suit jackets.
7. Good luck being involved in anything else on campus.
8. Creates environment of people who care about you, which will be inconvenient when you hit rock-bottom.
9. Hazing sounds pretty fun but apparently isn’t allowed anymore.
10. You’d have to bring your GPA up above that 2.2 you have.

WASHINGTON - Sources close to the student claim Rodney Bolt has begun making upsetting claims about his cultural heritage.
“It started out innocently enough,” his roommate said. “We were just chilling in our dorm, right? He’s on the phone with a friend back home or something, shooting the breeze, and they get to talking about a possible visit. That’s when he says it, he says something like ‘I can’t wait to show you around, because DC is my city.’ [We’ve] totally lost all faith in him.”
Phil Fitzgerald, Bolt’s aforementioned roommate and confidant, was the first to uncover this unsettling trend. He says it has only gotten worse as weeks have progressed.
Bolt, a freshman from Moosenape, Nebraska, has decided the District of Columbia as his native stomping ground, despite having never left the confines of the well policed and culturally deficient Foggy Bottom neighborhood. He claims to “basically have the layout down,” despite being afraid to step foot in any neighborhood north of his Foggy Bottom home.
“I mean this isn’t too different from Moosenape,” began the misguided freshman, referring to his home town of 1,048. “Like, there’s traffic lights, and some more stuff to do, but the culture is basically the same. I feel like I’ve been living here forever.”
The Ax interviewed Bolt at the Starbucks a block away from his Thurston home. The initially proposed location of the Starbucks near the Farragut West Metro station was rejected, being “in kind of a sketchy neighborhood” according to him.
“You have natives here that are always ragging on us ‘plants,” said Bolt, poking at his Vanilla Chai Latté. “I mean, I’m sorry if I’ve never been to Ben’s Chili Bowl, I don’t want to get shanked. I’m just more street smart than the natives, and they resent me for that.”
When asked as to his plans to possibly stay in Washington after graduation, Rodney seemed optimistic.
“Of course I wanna live here! I mean I already know where the monuments are, and Whole Foods[...] I’m not gonna just flush that down the drain,” the sad, sad man continued. “Besides, my Women’s Studies degree will probably net me at least two grand a month in salary. I’ll have no problem living here. Hell, I’ll be pretty rich by the District’s standards.”
Bolt has since been spotted buying yet another Washington D.C. hoodie from a local street vendor.

WASHINGTON―In what classmates are calling an act of heroism, Ryan Singh, a sophomore, has at long last persuaded his Introduction to European History professor to release the class syllabus.

The course outline, which contains guidelines for reports as well as essential assignment due dates, had been withheld from the class for reasons unknown since the beginning of the semester.
Though Singh has attempted to humbly downplay his accomplishment and avoid the press, an anonymous inside source reported Singh often stayed after class, went to office hours, and sent regular emails to his professor in a desperate effort to address the issue.
“I [Singh] appreciate all of the gratitude I have been receiving since the release of the syllabus and I want to make sure my classmates remember that this was a struggle we could only have gotten through together,” Singh said in an official statement released on his Facebook page on Monday night.
When reached for comment on the incident, Singh’s professor, who requested that his name be withheld, said that he apologized for the incident and any inconvenience it caused.
“The class and I have put this episode behind us,” he explained. “The class’s first exam will be graded with a generous curve as a gesture of goodwill.”

WASHINGTON - The often overlooked department of archaeology at George Washington University received good news this past Wednesday, when they received a $9 million federal grant to examine local remains of proto-cellular American culture in student dorms.
“It truly is an amazing opportunity,” spouted enthusiastic junior Alexis Fletch. “How many schools still have pay phones sitting around? How many of them still have the phone part attached? I, for one, am glad that we apparently decided to just never get rid of them”.
Calling the school’s unwillingness to remove the relics of a bygone age a stroke of good luck, many students involved in the proposed excavation are already preparing their brushes and quarters to attempt to decode some of the nearly 30-year-old graffiti. Their task, however, is not all fun and games.
“Pressure’s on, you know? I think that we have some of the most capable students in the country, but sometimes you have to wonder if even they are up for the task,” said Dr. Munez-Muzby, a professor of archaeology normally focused on decoding the crude text files etched onto floppy disks found in back closets around campus, sitting in her office alone, paperwork and glossy photographs of the now dusty landline phones coating her desk.
Much of the focus of this research will center upon the graffiti around the phones. Students of art history, linguistics, and anthropology are expected to spend countless hours puzzling over the bygone notes of a lost generation for the next two years. The task won’t be for the faint of heart.
At press time, Dr. Munez-Musby was hard at work attempting to decipher the phrase, “Vote Nader”.
Any student with information on proto-cellular American English has been asked to contact the archaeology department.

WASHINGTON - There comes a time in any institution’s life when money inevitably becomes tight. Unfortunately for Foggy Bottom residents, the George Washington University is at just such a point.

The financially desperate institution unveiled a very sad new plan yesterday to just let students police themselves.

Following on the heels of revolutionary cost cutting measures such as no longer requiring SAT scores and filling an entire building with really old pieces of cloth and totally removing all security from the entrances to all dormitories even though the school is in one of the cities with the highest crime rates in the country, administrators hope that this bold new step will serve as an inspiration for universities across the nation.

Dr. Calvin Klevnoff, a chief player in many of these revolutionary new policies and a professor in the university’s world-renowned budget-cutting department, shared inspirational words on Monday.

“It’s different and some people won’t like that, but some people just don’t get change. It’s time to bring the university into a new era,” he explained. “Our students are already basically self-sufficient, they’re young adults with high stress lives and easy access to alcohol. How bad could it possibly get?”

Not everyone at the university is quite so optimistic.

“I get the whole filling a building with old sheets thing, and the super dorm, or mega dorm, or whatever, is fine too, I guess. Cutting back on food staff? No problem,” Katrina Gordstein, a junior, said. “These are all fiscally responsible measures. But this time they’ve gone too far.”

Although recent surveys show that GW students almost unanimously agree that the textile museum and massive construction and urban development have been brilliant fiscal masterstrokes, many doubt if cutting the police force will free up enough money for similarly ingenious long-term spending endeavours.

“As for an alternative idea to save some money,” continued Gordstein. “I’m thinking building a monorail through campus would probably help.”

WASHINGTON - His parents reportedly claiming that “they’re not, like, that mad,” and “it will blow over before Christmas,” freshman Nick Serbopulous’s recent phone call home was far from the worst it could have been.

The freshman, 18, was EMeRGed the Friday before last for attempting to create a new way to drink tequila, using only an empty soda can, three shots of the offending liquor, and a CO2 cartridge stolen from his younger brother’s paintball gun back home.

“I mean, like, I’m sure they do that sort of shit all the time when I’m not around,” reasoned Serbopulous, absent-mindedly chewing on the corner of a coaster. “Like, who hasn’t gotten emerged for combination alcohol poisoning and frostbite?”

Serbopulous was nervous as to the response and inevitable wrath of his parents, as, despite what he often led others to believe, ties between them were far from severed.

Should his parents decide upon a full embargo for the young freshman, Nick would be forced to live without cigarettes, weed, and those “little fajita things but with bacon instead of cheese” for as long as they deemed necessary.

Not content with escaping the phone call intact, Serbopulous continued to reason that his parents were handling the situation poorly.

“So, like, I get my allowance still. Which is awesome, whatever, but honestly they were all bent out of shape about the whole thing,” he explained. “Like, I’m sorry that your son is a natural born inventor genius. Deal with it. Jesus”.

At press time it has been confirmed that Serbopulous was once more in the university’s hospital, this time with burn wounds. Early reports attribute these wounds to an attempt to microwave Spaghetti-O’s while still in the metal can.

WASHINGTON – The once world-renowned pancake markets & bazaars of Foggy Bottom are to officially cease to exist, as the forthcoming departure of George Washington University’s current provost, Steven Lerman, shall signal an end to what has informally been known as a “golden era of pancakery”.

WASHINGTON – With a ramshackle collection of barely functional instruments, each of the university’s five student theater groups have been tricked to put on the same exact show this Fall, a lively production of the quintessential piece of Americana The Music Man.

“This man just arrived from nowhere,” explained the chair of one group. “He told us we were in trouble! We were going to do Sondheim, but he told us that the type to do Sondheim is the type to play pool, and we wouldn’t be caught dead doing that!”

The individual, travelling under the guise of a visiting professor of music from the sister school George Washington Carver University, located in northwestern Indiana, claimed to be visiting to rectify recent budget deficiencies in the university’s music department.

One by one, he approached heads of each of the theater troupes and convinced them of the dirty, rotten trouble of whatever their planned production would teach the innocent children watching them, and how financing his production of The Music Man would teach all of the youths upstanding and valuable morals to cherish for their lifetime.

The professor, apparently a charming gentleman, also sparked a romance with a woman employed at the university’s Gelman Library. This particular librarian, who wishes to remain unnamed, was notably a shipoopi, according to Buddy Hackett.

It remains unclear to this point whether his love for this librarian truly taught him a valuable lesson or if it is all part of the greater con he planned from the beginning, but by putting on the productions regardless of their slapdash quality the various theater groups are to demonstrate the resilience of the American spirit.
The events as detailed in this article in a strange coincidence seem to mirror the events of the classic Meredith Wilson musical.
All-told, the total is estimated to come to approximately 380 trombones leading the big parade, with 550 cornets close at hand. Over 5,000 reeds are expected to spring up like weeds, along with horns of every shape and size.

Guys.

Guys.

Guys.

I think I have a great new idea.

You know Matt Damon? Jason Bourne, y’know? Best buds with Batman? Yeah, him.

Let’s put him in a rocket ship and send him into space.

Yeah, I went there.

This seems like such a great idea, I know. Let’s go over the reasons this is just so wonderful an idea:

• Matt Damon is well-beloved and respected the entire world over
• By sending him into space he would be able to be an inspiration for the whole world
• He seems like a Scientist I guess
• I highly doubt he would actually be the bad guy and try to kill Matthew McConaughey
• He’ll probably get stuck up there anyway

Anyway, there’s lots more but I think you get the gist.

And hey, let’s have Jessica Chastain try and get him back. That’d be a lot of fun.

Please, Jeff Danielses & Michael Caines of the world, if you are reading this and thinking of potential new entrants for your space programs, I’d say, Matt Damon, gotta be at the top of your list, maybe right behind Ed Harris.

WASHINGTON ― It is a well-known fact of college that syllabi are not true reading material, but rather a type of antiquated reference-guide, much like an encyclopedia or almanac, vestiges of the pre-digital world.

Ronnie Mond, a graduate student and teaching assistant who leads several introductory biology labs, is being regularly consulted to be a local expert on syllabi within the GW-teaching assistant community.

Our reporters had a chance to sit down with him last Thursday afternoon as he sifted through emails and prepared to lead an evening bio-lab.

Mond told reporters that his intimate knowledge of the Introduction to Biology syllabus is a matter of necessity as he is often inundated with students’ questions, the answers to which are universally apparent with even the most cursory of glances over that guiding document with which all students are provided.

“The emails usually start to pick-up a few hours before lab,” he said. “Every time, it’s like we’re back at day one.”

“There’s a bit of a ritual here,” he then told reporters as he poured himself a shot of vodka and pounded his chest, “I have to steel myself for what’s ahead.”

With his brief ceremony completed, Mond logged into his university email account and showed our correspondents a horrifying onslaught of emails which could easily be answered if only their senders would have taken a peek at the syllabus.

He stated to reporters that within the 24-hour period leading up to his lab sections he receives enough inquiries to keep him at his desk well past the midnight hour, the majority of which he answers with direct excerpts of the syllabus, a document he now claims to know as intimately as an old lover.

“It’s mind-boggling! You’d never imagine how many different ways there are to ask about attendance policy and lab report format!” He paused. “This is my life now.”

At press-time, Mond was reported to have been seen asleep on his keyboard, though this claim has yet to be corroborated.