Green Bay, WI―At home with his family on Monday, one spectacularly misinformed student told relatives, “I feel good about that econ final.” This announcement, though completely unfounded was met warmly from all assembled, with one uncle, alleged to be a Wall Street banker, going so far as to jokingly offer a position to his sadly optimistic nephew.

We all know that the holidays can be a stressful time for those of us who’ve stretched our budgets a bit thin. Luckily, the GW Ax has got you covered! We scoured the city and disappointed our mothers to find the best gifts you can give this Christmas without spending a dime (over your $64,000 a year investment)!

NEW YORK — “Bwahahaha!” The Red Skull shrieked at the crowd. “You’ve all fallen victim to another of my hideous schemes!”

WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset, the George Washington University’s men’s basketball team has in fact defeated a ragtag team of Looney Tunes and NBA guest stars 73 to 68.

Are your grades falling short this semester? Do you have to somehow convince your family that you aren’t a deadbeat and that you actually have a future that doesn’t involve living in their basement? Fear not! Here’s the GW Ax’s top tips for explaining your crappy semester to your family when you’re at home for the holidays.

WASHINGTON — A student at the George Washington University saw their entire life occur before them whilst trying to purchase a package of Fig Newtons on Wednesday.

WASHINGTON — Citing the precedence of Van Buren’s massively influential protocol to “Keep the Waltz safe, just, and chaste!”, as well as the Supreme Court’s landmark case Travis Barker v. The United States Marine Corp, Obama has sworn to increase the military budget two-fold in the defense of pop punk.

WASHINGTON - Steven Lerman, having lived on the Mount Vernon campus as the Provost of George Washington University for the better half of a decade, is going to finally achieve his greatest ambition in the world, seating couples and recommending wines at the TGI Friday’s location located on the Foggy Bottom campus.

The Campaign Trail—For months now Americans have marveled at the apparent human personification of calm serenity which is Republican candidate Benjamin Solomon Carson, Sr. Indeed, the man has helped liberals and conservatives to find common ground in wondering exactly what it would be like if Mr. Carson did fly off the handle. Well, the answer is in.

Last night while at a campaign rally in the gymnasium of an undisclosed public high school, the former neurosurgeon finally succumbed to the pressure of not one or two, but three agitated and possibly intoxicated hecklers. According to eye-witnesses, Carson tried at first to laugh them off, but when several bright smiles and light one-liners failed to bring them into line, the situation took a much darker turn.

Reporters from the GW Ax were told that Mr. Carson began to quiver before starting to speak in tongues with a voice that one eyewitness said seemed to, “rattle out of the depths of the sea”.

After several minutes of this crowd began to become concerned and sent Fr. Josef Pilsudski, a Catholic priest and registered EMT, to the aid of the GOP candidate at which point Carson let out a low groan as shapeless and otherworldly entity emerged from from his mouth.

“It was just like in A Haunting in Connecticut,” Joel Patel told the Ax, “The Haunting in Connecticut ghost was trying to hide in Ben Carson!”

Mr. Carson reportedly appeared somewhat dazed and confused following the incident but, ever the trooper, fielded several questions from the audience, closed with a gentle and grandfatherly smile, and descended from the stage amidst a standing ovation which lasted no less than twelve consecutive minutes.

“In my forty-seven years with the church I’ve never seen anything like it,” Pilsudski told Ax reporters, “He handled it all with a remarkable grace and I just pray his PR people can handle the situation.”

At press time the Ax’s request for comment from Carson’s campaign manager had gone unanswered and no other news outlets had covered the story, which speaks not only to the quality of the Carson 2016 public relations department, but also the GW Ax and it’s unique ability to bring you the breaking stories other new outlets don’t.

WASHINGTON — After a series of positive rallies around metropolitan Washington, GW’s local chapter of Students for Rand met with an unfortunate and abrupt end for the foreseeable future.

A shipment of new posters, buttons, and other campaign based accouterments arrived Monday for the organization, to be dispersed among students in use for campaigning with the Kentucky doctor and politician. Unfortunately, a small typo compelled students not to ‘Defeat the Washington Machine’, but rather ‘Defeat the Washing Machine’.

The result? Laundry rooms across campus have been shut down this weekend, as fervent supporters of the libertarian leaning Republican have done all in their power to beat, batter, and dismember washing machines across campus. The University Police Department has issued a ban on all clothes-washing related activities, a request which is unfortunately not having quite the impact some students would hope.

“I really can’t blame them,” began Kristoff Crosby, a vocal member of GW’s local chapter of Students for Bernie. “I probably would have done the same thing in their place. I mean washing machines suck, and honestly I’m just glad someone has voiced it.”

Rand Paul’s campaign has been apologetic. The Ax reached out to a representative after the incident occured.

“The typist responsible has been fired, rest assured. Senator Paul would like to make it clear that he has no issues with washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, or toasters.”

Students for Rand has been apologetic and has offered to reimburse the University for the cost of the damaged washing machines. A prominent member, who would prefer to remain anonymous, seemed remorseful, although (s)he claimed that the opportunity to finally “beat the shit out of those goddammed overpriced pieces of crap” was appreciated.

When pressed for the young Senator’s opinions on toaster ovens, his campaign refused to comment.

Here at The GW Ax, we believe it's important to give due diligence to important events in all religions. And so, in keeping with the theme of Hanukkah, here's eight people you shouldn’t murder during the Festival of Lights.

1. David Duchovny
2. Fmr. Sen. John Edwards
3. Lorna Luft
4. Brian Boitano
5. Adam Richman
6. Paul Thomas Anderson
7. The Edge
8. Philip Baker Hall

Happy Hanukkah!

OUTER SPACE - There have now been two more reported deaths from a new species of Space-Lynx loose on the International Space Station.

American Astronauts have been running around for weeks with large slabs of rehydrated freeze-dried meat, calling out, “here kitty kitty kitty.”

NASA commented, “We wish it was a Space-Ocelot, that would easier to deal with. Maybe even a Space-Bobcat. It could be a Space-Lion, a Space-Leopard, Space-Panther, Space-Jaguar, Space-Puma, or even a Space-Cougar. But it’s not, it’s a damn Space-Lynx.”

With the two recent slaughters, the Space-Lynx has claimed the lives of 6 astronauts and three world leaders. Updates will be coming soon.

Howard Stern is many things- comedian, libertarian, talent judge, the list goes on. But The Ax has a question for you: can you tell the difference between this legendary radio host and a stalk of everybody’s favorite tree-shaped vegetable? Take our quiz and check your answers below!

1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 
5. 
6. 

WASHINGTON - Booed off the stage, George Washington University’s Dean of Student Affairs Peter Konwerski was forced to cut his speech short after a hostile reaction to the long-anticipated revelation of his distaste for Mr. T’s famous character in the hit television program The A-Team.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Faceman, really,” he said, welling up. “I really like Dirk Benedict, okay? He just fits that role so perfectly.”

The crowd began hurling produce and shoes at the dean, as he tried to conclude his prepared statement.

“Mr. T is an immensely talented actor, there is no arguing this,” he foolishly tried to quell the crowd. “I’d say Rocky III is easily the best Rocky film.”

The crowd grew even more riled at this point, collectively shouting that it is in fact the second Rocky film that most compellingly portrays the human condition.

“I’ll be totally honest - he’s not even my second favorite, though,” he mistakenly continued, the crowd enraged. “Hannibal Smith is a classic television hero, after all.”

“I love it when a plan comes together,” he vainly tried to impress. “No?”

He then curled up in a ball, and started loudly bawling.

Konwerski was the final member of the university administration to reveal his A-Team preferences, and he is expected to step down following this announcement shortly.

After gorging yourself at Thanksgiving (don’t pretend like you didn’t), many of you will be making early new-years resolutions. One of which could easily be, “I’m gonna start going to the gym.” No you’re not.

Just like after every break, the first week or two afterwards, the gym will be packed. But then, as it always does, the faint of heart will stop lying to themselves and go back to luxurious stagnation. You won’t become fat, no, just stop pretending you’re willing to put in the work to get in-shape.

This process stems from America’s demanding culture. We all want to get in shape- be our best and all. However, we as Americans, now hate working too hard, and will be very content staying with our current selves. Is that a bad thing? Hell no! We’re Americans! I’d take being an average American over being an Average-any-other country-person any day.

Would you rather be average in Syria? Ha. Good luck with that one. Would you rather be average in Europe? Ha. Get ready to give away 60% of your paycheck. Would you rather be average in China? Ha. I’m sure communism just takes some getting used to. Would you rather be average in Australia? Ha. They’ll take your guns, and what’s freedom without firearms?

So yeah, stop lying to yourself. You’re not going to start going to the gym. But who gives a shit? You’re an American. You don’t have to.

WASHINGTON - On his way out of his home slightly late to work Monday morning, departing Provost Steven Lerman waved hello to the paper boy and made his way across his yard. Suddenly, a walkie-talkie came hurling out of the sky and landed at his feet. Picking it up, the voice at the other end warned him of forthcoming destruction.

Scarves deserve a shout-out. They’re the unsung heroes of winter. Are you afraid of your fragile neck getting cold? Look no further than to your friendly neighborhood scarf. It’ll put your neck in a full Nelson of wool, fabric, or cloth and that neck is going to be extra cozy. Want some more analogies? Sure thing.

WASHINGTON - After a long period of struggle, the Jewish students of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut will finally be accepted onto campus at The George Washington University.

President Knapp made an announcement at a press briefing Thursday evening.

“Our campus has always lacked the special something that the chosen people offer,” he explained. “5,000 years of beautiful tradition, and we’re glad to be a part of it.”

The school, to this point a haven of diversity for students the entire country over, will begin phasing in the newly qualifying students so as to provide them a better chance at success in the working world.

The students are being admitted primarily on account of their snarky, neurotic senses of humor, and talking like they are literally doing a monologue in a Woody Allen film at all times with no genuine human connections allowed at any point whatsoever.

In an effort to make these students feel more welcome, the administration is even considering allowing three separate sukkahs to be constructed during next year's classical celebration of the harvest season.

The University will also begin launching numerous student organizations to support the deluge of as-yet unconnected students.

“They just won’t feel like they’re at home,” a representative from Student Affairs commented. “So we’ll offer them some brisket, some rugelach, some lox on an everything with cream cheese, whatever can make them feel like they’re at home.”

“God knows the University will be different with these new students, I just hope they’ll be able to fit in.”

SYRIA - ISIS representatives announced over Twitter this week that they expect to open a new HR department to streamline and improve their recruitment process.

Subsequent tweets outlined the plan in greater detail. ISIS members expressed a desire to gain more qualified candidates for membership in the terror organization, and announced that they would be reviewing resumes before accepting a candidate for an interview with representatives of the new department.

“We want to build a greater name for this organization, and the way to do that is to get organized,” one tweet read.

In addition to a more thorough candidate review process, the new department will roll out greater benefits for candidates that are offered a position. A file posted to Twitter this morning outlined a plan to offer stable 401K and retirement plans, as well as substantial life insurance policies, since most members will likely be dead within a year.

Health insurance will also be offered to new ISIS recruits, as part of an effort to ensure that their fighters survive more than one mission. The packages are substantial, and vastly preferable to health insurance plans at most American places of employment.

“We hope to build ourselves as a legitimate organization by following the model of a more traditional business. ISIS wants to take care of our fighters, and ensure we have qualified candidates willing to work for us,” tweets from their account read.

WASHINGTON ―The holidays are a time of giddy wishes and free-spending for all of us. Even so, things can get a little out of hand from time to time, as they did for Jarred Oleman, head of the Office of Student Financial Assistance at the George Washington University.

Oleman confirmed yesterday that he had indeed spent the entirety of the 2016 financial aid endowment on a collection of enormous balloons which have appeared over the decades in Macy’s traditional Thanksgiving Day Parade.

“It was a moment of weakness,” Oleman said in a prepared statement at a press conference yesterday. “I was wrapped up in the mood of the day and when I saw them floating down 38th street toward my television screen, I had to have them!”

The balloons were purchased from an anonymous online dealer known only by the mysterious pseudonym macysman71. Among the lot purchased are such iconic favorites as the Pop-Eye balloon, which made its debut in 1961, as well as last year’s favorite, SpongeBob with a Santa Claus hat, and the Monopoly Man balloon which famously struck down a street lamp in 2010.

University President Steven Knapp was quick to condemn the squandering of institutional funds, though unnamed sources from the inside have told the GW Ax that the president allegedly admitted he hoped this debacle would draw attention away from his own questionable investment, the Textile Museum.

With the loss of financial aid resources, the Office of Student Financial Assistance estimates that university attendance will need to be cut in half by next semester.

As outrage mounted across campus, and indeed across the country and the world, Oleman revealed that there is a glimmer of hope for the student body.

“There is a thirty day return period,” Oleman told reporters and a mob of enraged students from behind a sheet of bulletproof glass, “we can put this all right yet!”

While returning the balloons and retrieving 2016 endowment would, of course, be the more tactful solution to this crisis, certain more financially minded elements within the university advise a different approach.

“This could be a great opportunity for us as an institution,” said economics professor and part-time robber-baron James Kulick. “By putting the balloons back on the market a few at a time, the university could stand to make a considerable profit.”

The Ax had sought but not received comment from the seller, and it is rumored that the administration was weighing the options of Kulick’s proposal.

WASHINGTON ―The George Washington University Department of Slavic Languages and Literature announced in a recent newsletter that one of its students has come forward claiming to be none other than Anastasia Romanov herself.

Until the time of the announcement the student, now claiming to be heiress to the Russian throne, a junior in the Columbian College, had gone by the name of Elizabeth Gelbstein.

The announcement has caused a considerable uproar and indeed it feels as if few on campus are unwilling to weigh in on the subject. The GW Ax had the opportunity to speak with several members of the GW community on the goings on.

“I don’t see what the commotion’s all about,” said Harry “Doubting” Thomas, a sophomore in the Duquès School of Business. “It ain’t really her and that’s that. What are we even talking about this for? Didn’t we find Jimmy Hoffa buried under Super-Dorm a couple weeks ago or something? Why doesn’t anyone talk about that?”

Not all however, are such dour, cynical skeptics. Marrion Cordweilde, a senior pre-law student and hardline monarchist, had a more open frame of mind.

“Personally it makes me glad to think that we could have real royalty on campus here, even if it’s not our own.” She went on to remind reporters that, “no evidence has been presented against Miss. Gelbstein’s case.”

One of Gelbstein’s close friends and peers, Melody Kole, gave the Ax an exclusive inside view into what might really be going on.

“What I think people are forgetting here is that Lizzy [Gelbstein] is a double major in sociology too,” Kole told an Ax reporter, “this could really just be yet another bold and daring social experiment.”

We at the Ax prefer sensation to truth, and advise our readers to take Kole’s words with a grain of salt.

Upon making the announcement Gelbstein was rushed to the Washington Seniors’ Wellness Center, as, should her claims be true, she has reached the age of 104.

Gelbstein has not yet elaborated upon how she came to be a college student in the United States nearly a century after she was supposedly murdered in Yekaterinburg, though the Ax will continue to give updates should further details on this story become available.

The Kremlin has announced that it would be sending a team of historians and genealogists to investigate the case.

Meanwhile, a rumor is now circulating that the Textile Museum has purchased the contents of Gelbstein’s dresser and had begun planning for an upcoming exhibit of the Grand Dutchess’s finery.

Washington DC—The Gelman Library was the scene of some uproar last Thursday night when whoopee cushion went off on the third floor.

The victim has been identified as a librarian, Naomi Kelter. Eyewitnesses reported that Kelter had been reshelving periodicals when she decided to sit down in a nearby chair, apparently unaware that just beneath her posterior was a live whoopee cushion just waiting to go off.

Eric Wu, a junior in the Elliott School, was studying just a few feet away from the site of the incident.

“It wasn’t terribly loud, as whoopee cushions go, but we all heard it,” Wu told reporters from the Ax before going on to describe the sound as similar to something one might, “hear in the bathroom an hour after eating gas station-sushi.”

Witnesses report that after the initial shock wave had passed, Kelter tried to regain her composure, but was forced into retreat when a tidal wave of giggles swept across the entire floor.

While no injuries were sustained, the stiff-lipped victim suffered a major blow to her pride which led to a rapid deflation of her ego. Her condition is now stable, though group of psychology majors estimate that she will need at least the entirety of the Thanksgiving break to recuperate.

The whoopee cushion in question is believed to have been placed as long as eight years ago, when custodian, Jason Roman, claims to remember a days long series of zany prankings surrounding the April Fools’ Day of 2007. By the time order had been restored, nearly every seat in the library had been rigged and no one was truly safe from triggering a burst of faux flatulence.

“I tried to sweep the place top to bottom for them, but I guess I couldn’t get them all,” Roman told the Ax tearfully. “They just sit there for years, until some poor somebody comes along—they get you when you least expect it.”

At press-time, no new information had surfaced though on a seemingly unrelated note, the George Washington University Police Department issued a security alert regarding a man seen wearing a hand shocker and Groucho glasses.

Washington—After complaints from numerous voters of massive amounts of emails from Hillary Clinton, a spokesperson for the campaign this week admitted that they were “probably not thinking that one through.”

Throughout 2015, the Clinton campaign has been consistently sending voters (who probably signed up for this at one point, maybe, even though they have absolutely no memory of doing so) email after email from about 10 different email addresses.

The constant spam consists of donation requests, updates on the candidate’s policy stances, and some other third thing that people would probably know about if anyone actually bothered to read the emails.

The Clinton campaign issued a statement this week. “The email spam was a bit of a faux pas on our part,” it read. “Believe me, the last thing we wanted to do was annoy the voters to the point where every time they get an email, they cringe.”

The statement also revealed that the Hillary camp has multiple email lists, each of which issues independent email blasts. When voters sign up for one list, thinking they are going to get a reasonable amount of emails, they are instantly put on every email list, creating a steady flood of digital spam clogging all of our inboxes.

“It’s so annoying,” a GW sophomore told us. “I actually thought about voting for Hillary before getting repeatedly slapped in the face by all the emails they send. And when I tried to get off the email lists, I got a pop-up message that said ‘Sorry, you’re here for life.”

We caught up with a campaign spokesperson later in the week. “We didn’t really think the email thing through. When we said we wanted voters to be kept up to date, this isn’t really what we imagined it turning out to be.”

“Also there’s the whole scandal thing,” he continued. “Maybe sending out tons of emails isn’t the best way to put that behind us.”

It’s unclear whether the email spam will actually stop because of this, or if Clinton just wanted us to know that she’s sorry about it.

WASHINGTON - Nothing fuels alcoholism more than cold weather and boredom. And as cold weather and boredom creeps up on GW this winter, EMeRG is preparing itself.

“We have to expect the worst,” Jack of EMeRG reports. “We’re doubling up on staff for the coming months. It’s really going to get ninth circle of Hell out there, and it’s our responsibility, nay, our duty, to be ready.”

And EMeRG will be ready, we can be sure of that. What the populace now needs to be weary of is EMeRG itself growing too powerful. In such a weakened condition, now is the perfect time for those arrogant life-savers to be more selfless than ever.

Bolgia Two in the eighth circle after all needs its flatterers, and if EMeRG crawls out of the depths on the backs of their own self-importance, who will fill their positions? That’s right, we will, the innocents above ground. EMeRG will learn a thing or two from Alexander in the outer layer of the seventh circle and get some sort of medieval on our intoxicated selves. Then, down and down we shall be dragged, kicking and screaming, all the way to our respective locations- doomed to spend an eternity / night in our flaming tombs / the campus hospital.

do not listen to the blasphemous ways of the EMeRGoisie, and get ready to party like the real student proletariat this winter. You just know they shall be there, stalking in the silent wood.

In the words of the leader of the student uprising against EMeRG, a young student named Dante, “Do not be afraid; our fate cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.”

LOS GATOS, Ca. - Streaming mega-giant Netflix has announced they will be the content creators willing to bring back George Washington University’s beloved Creative Writing department for all-new exciting seasons next Fall.

“We just thought, okay, we have Full House, we’ve got Gilmore Girls in the pipeline, more Arrested Development on its way,” explained Ted Sarandos, head of content acquisition. “And so our next thought, what beloved American institution shall we triumphantly return to the nation today?”

“It was such a shame when it went away,” he elaborated. “But now it’ll be back, and better than ever!”

The university has forfeited all creative control of the program. David Fincher and Ron Howard are attached as executive producers to the project.

Classes will be held in a single, 15-hour long session available to each student whenever they please during the semester.

The project will be Netfix’s latest foray into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Acclaimed actor and noted murderer Kevin Spacey has been attached to appear, with his outrageous Foghorn Leghorn accent in tow. Asked to comment, he simply mused towards the camera, “It is all going according to my plan.”

WASHINGTON - With just his keys and his harmonica, President Knapp is currently thinking of a time in his life when things were a bit better.

It’s 9 p.m., on Saturday, and the regular crowd has shuffled in. Thinking about a melody, he thinks back to the time in his life when he was truly and really happy.

“La la la, di da da,” he commented. “La, la di da da da dum.”

At this point, the crowd began imploring him to please allow this poor piano man to continue crafting a tune, as if to make them feel alright.

Also in attendance include John, a man who believes he could be an actor if he were just a little bit more good-looking, as well as Paul, a real-estate novelist, and Davy, a man still in the navy.

The crowd, above all, is most confused as to why the university president is still stuck playing such terrible, meaningless gigs rather than the larger success he has earned.

“Man, what are you doing here?” said the crowd, as one.

President Knapp has also claimed no responsibility as to creating any of the numerous blazes throughout campus this past semester.

Washington DC―In what activist groups on campus are calling a major step forward, another one of the George Washington University anthropology department’s skeletons is finally out of the closet.

Jordan Lee, a teaching assistant and graduate student in the field of human paleobiology, is credited with helping to bring the skeleton out.

“I was in there getting supplies for a lab when I spotted the ole bag o’ bones,” he told reporters with a smile. “I thought to myself, ‘this skeleton’s as good as any other, it shouldn’t be living a lie like this.’”

Lee recalls that the skeleton was tucked away next to an old filing cabinet and behind a number of heavy boxes. Getting it out was no small task, but one that Lee thought well worthy of his patient efforts.

“He didn’t seem like the the closeted type at all,” said professor of biological-anthropology, Arron Kollere. “I really never would have guessed. It was a huge surprise!”

There was initially some concern on behalf of the department heads that, with the skeleton out of the closet, it might be difficult to find a place where it would be able to fit in. These concerns were quickly alleviated when it was announced that a space had been found for it in a lab room in Lisner Hall. Since its placement there, students have expressed an interest in the skeleton and professors have come to accept it as they would any other part of the classroom.

At press-time, Ian Chester, paleontology professor & president of the People for the Promotion of Paleolithic Lifestyles, commended the department

“The care and tactfulness with which the skeleton was brought out into the school really speaks to the progressive and accepting nature in these changing times of the anthropology faculty and their students.”

Spending time with your family over Thanksgiving break can be tough. For your convenience, we’ve assembled a list of the biggest dos and don’ts for navigating familial conversation this Thanksgiving.

Do

1. Cocaine
2. Count the days until forthcoming release of Fantastic Four on Blu-ray.
3. Make sure to snap the turkey’s wishbone, not your father’s. Common mistake.
4. Call your mother, you goddamn deadbeat.
5. Get massively drunk on boxed wine with your uncle.
6. Only talk about political beliefs that will definitely start a family feud.
7. Discuss the birthday of 30 Rock star Scott Adist.
8. Tell your cousin’s wife she’s only gained a little weight.
9. Make sure all insulting comments are said aloud.
10. If the conversation goes south, try setting your house on fire.

Don't do

1. Cocaine
2. Feed the stuffing to that opossum in the neighbor’s yard.
3. Give thanks to Hitler’s Germany. Definite party killer.
4. Hide a bunch of eggs around the house. Wrong holiday, Jerry.
5. Accidentally trade the turkey for some your friend's friend's black tar heroin.
6. Open your eyes, Marion.
7. Ask your weird aunt how her life is going.
8. Talk about the weird dream you had about the guy sitting next to you on the train home.
9. Start a dance fight.
10. Kill, like, a ton of Native Americans.

WASHINGTON - Citing his love of the Indiana Jones and National Treasure franchises, local adventurer and explorer extraordinaire Blaine Harwheat has recently opted to start going to the as-yet-uncharted Starbucks in the outskirts of Farragut.

Citing his lifelong need to explore as reason enough to make such a drastic life change, Harwheat has begun the arduous process of sharing photos of the new location on his Instagram. Harwheat’s coworkers and family have been unanimously stunned by the brave man’s willingness to venture into the absolute unknown.

“I always knew he was a different cut of a man,” began Jessica Mulwhey, Harwheat’s girlfriend of two years. “A cut above the rest. So when he tells me he’s going off into the unknown to discover what lies behind this apartment block… well, you can’t cage a man like my Blaine, no matter how much I may fear for his safety.”

Harwheat’s apartment is littered from artifacts from his various adventures, including a snow globe from the Lincoln memorial, the wrapper of a hot dog from a 7-11 nearly five blocks away, and, perhaps the crown jewel of the collection, a t-shirt, bearing the phrase “I went to Philadelphia and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” Harwheat chose not to comment on the adventure into the great North Yonder, calling it “a young mistake, best to just forget about it.”

Like ol’ Indy himself, Harwheat has his fair share of detractors. The barista in his new favorite temple of coffee is one such antagonist.

“What, the dude who comes in here with a bullwhip? The hell is his problem? It’s a Starbucks. I mean Christ, I am not paid enough to put up with his shit.”

Still, Harwheat will not be brought down by these opponents. He has recently unveiled his latest plan, to steal a waffle from the Red Roof Motel’s continental breakfast buffet, defiantly screaming that “it belongs in a museum[!]”. Only time will tell if the adventurer gets his way.

Harwheat has since apparently been repeatedly and brutally mugged, claiming his nameless attackers were “all connected to the Nazis… probably after the waffle.”

Registration is tough, a fact that the staff of the GW Ax is intimately familiar with. To help you out, we’ve assembled a list of the ten most bullshit courses available for you this Spring semester!

1. Cocaine: An Introduction
2. Accomplishments of the Fillmore Administration
3. Feminist Voices in Contemporary Uzbek Literature
4. Biological History of Man and Ape: A Love Story
5. PSYC 1001: Introduction to Psychology
6. Intro to Data Mining Your Ex’s Emails
7. Profound Political Insights from Oscar the Grouch
8. Kristin Chenoweth and You
9. Neapolitan Ice Cream & Dostoyevsky
10. A Philosophical Analysis of the Cheney Years

WASHINGTON - A new report by the Federal Bureau of Prisons reveals a darker side to one of America’s favorite traditions. Turkeys, pardoned by the President of the United States every Thanksgiving, are being cast aside by society at large.

“There’s simply no safety net there,” began Henry Ulrich, a warden at the Kansas State Federal Turkey Penitentiary, where 2011’s pardoned fowl had previously been serving three consecutive life sentences. “They get out there and they feel like a king for a day, with the whole ceremony in their honor and stuff. But then they’re just thrown on the streets. What are they supposed to do?”

Of the most recent ten turkeys pardoned under Presidents Bush and Obama, only one is gainfully employed, deep fat frying his distant relatives at a Chik-Fil-A in southern Tennessee. Three are dead, one is back on the inside, and the other five have been difficult to track down. Most have become drifters.

Josie Whittiker is the manager at the Chik-Fil-A in which 2009’s bird works as a line cook. She sat down with us and explained the difficulty of being a pardoned turkey.

“I know he needs help, and no one else is gonna do it. I mean, he’s an awful employee, always showing up smashed out of his mind on bird feed and crying every time he’s put on fry cook duty. But someone needs to care for these birds.”

The Federal Bureau of Prisons’ investigation has identified several key issues. Lack of a safety net, poor education, inability to form intelligible speech, and lack of hands and fingers have all been blamed for the disturbing results.

The National Institute for Fowl Justice shifts the blame upwards, however. Their protests in front of the White House rage on into their fifth consecutive year, calling for an end to the practice of throwing turkeys out to dry over Thanksgiving.

Although they declined formal comment, the NIFJ’s publicly available agenda makes no qualms about how difficult finding a solution for everyone, man and feathered beast alike, will be. But for the time being, they’d just be happy with change.

If you would care to donate to the NIFJ, they can be reached at nifj@gmail.com.

SAN FRANCISCO - After stepping through an inter-dimensional portal to another time and place, outgoing provost Steven Lerman on Tuesday had to let his newfound pacifist beau perish in a horrific accident so as to not alter the established timeline.

Thanksgiving is sure to be underwhelming again this year, but is that really Thanksgiving’s fault? Thanksgiving has become the victim of a systemic devaluing of holidays running rampant in our country, especially here at GW.

First of all, Thanksgiving falls too close to the end of the semester, and all the weight and anxieties and pressures of finals permeate throughout the time off for a traditional feast. Can you really enjoy that overcooked turkey when you have an organic chemistry final coming up and you know the likelihood of passing doesn't surpass the likelihood of your uncle chewing with his mouth closed?

Speaking of your bovine uncle, is there anyone you’re actually that excited to see? Friends are nice, but you have friends here. You’re going home for family, and, baring a full scale riot in the kitchen over who forgot the pumpkin pie, whatever conversation you manage will surely fall victim to a self-induced food coma. You get to see your family again? More like: you get to have the same conversations with the same people for (yet another) year. 'How’s school going? Are you doing well? What’s your major? What classes are you taking?' It’s going to be a resounding get-to-know-you conference of family members who all have only slightly differing opinions.

Finally, all the anticipation falls before and after Thanksgiving. Halloween really holds the lustrous prize of the stereotypical fall holiday. And what comes after Thanksgiving, none other than the behemoth, the myth, the miracle- Christmas. Jesus Christ, Christmas is so overwhelming it has gained the capacity to physically consume other holidays. And which holiday was first to be mercilessly eaten by Christmas’s monster? That’s right: Thanksgiving was plucked, beheaded, and roasted for an extra twenty minutes till it was dry, and then ravaged by Christmas who was tired of talking to its relatives and a little tipsy from the beer (which Christmas is now perceived as old enough to handle).

So, is anyone super excited for Thanksgiving? No, nobody is excited. At all. It’s going to be fine, acceptable, a nice little break. But stop kidding yourself. Get ready to be underwhelmed.

Remember that promise you made to yourself, your wallet, and your parents?

“Don’t worry Mom and Dad, I’ll get a job this semester and have my own money to spend!”

Well, you fucked up.

At this point in the semester, it’s too late to get a job. So pucker up- you have to keep slurping from your parents’ cash-flow.

At this point you might be saying, “but wait, there’s still next semester? I can start to get a resume together and I’ll get a job for the spring.”

First of all, you’re too late. You know it’s going to take you at least two to three weeks to get that cockamamie resume up to a suitable level, and then you have to find a position suitable for your cockamamie resume. Thinking about all that is overwhelming, so don’t even worry about it, go back to Netflix (your parents’ account, not even a different profile).

Don’t worry, the real world job market is far more welcoming than the one in college. Besides, you go to THE George Washington University. That political science or international affairs degree is going to land you a sweet job at the State Department. HA!

See, you actually want that to happen, and you yourself can see the insanity. Jobs just don’t fall out of the sky- unless you go to Harvard, which you don't, loser.

So take a sweet, deep breath and brace yourself for the pummeling dose of realism that is about to hit you right between your eyeballs this coming semester. I’d start accepting it soon, it’ll make it easier to explain to your parents.

Despite a notable increase in the number of pet-friendly establishments in this country over the past decade, even in the heart of our nation’s hallowed capital there remain a number of places to which bringing an animal would be poorly advised. While many hotels and restaurants will clearly mark whether or not cats and dogs are allowed on their premises, there is a definite gray area when it comes to where you can take your eel on an outing; this article will seek to shed some light on those ambiguities.

If you will be going to any of the following, it is probably best to leave your eel at home.

1. The Smithsonian’s National Zoo
2. Frank’s Franks on O Street and Seventh
3. Columbia Heights (As per the Anti-Eel Ordinance of 1962)
4. The Exorcist Steps
5. The former site of the National Aquarium (it would just be too depressing)
6. Your mother’s house. She still doesn’t approve of your eel-based lifestyle choices.
7. The Library of Congress reading rooms
8. The bleacher seats of any Washington Nationals game (the owner’s box, however, is fine)
9. The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool (with its water most foul)
10. Any of the District’s more than seventy-five sushi restaurants

WASHINGTON - The beloved Mount Vernon Campus at George Washington University has been tragically sold to private military organization Blackwater.

Students currently residing at the campus will not be asked to leave, instead being integrated into the organization’s training exercises.

“All we want is somewhere to play lots of tennis,” Major General Percy White claimed, brandishing an assault rifle for his interview.

“I mean, already, walking from the rest of the campus to West Hall feels like a prisoner exchange,” a student commented, “why not have actual prisoner exchanges?”

During our visit, muffled screams and constant gunfire could be heard, as well as the circling of fighter jets overhead.

“We will also continue to offer Mac & Cheese at Colonial Inauguration,” General White elaborated.

Blackwater was reportedly first interested in the incredibly dull and distant campus due to its disconnection to all other life.

“It is also a primary lynchpin in our plan for the overthrow,” the General said, before correcting himself, “Whoops, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I misspoke for a second there.”

WASHINGTON - With numerous recycling bins, power saving lights, and cute little energy efficient trucks, there’s evidence of GW’s Green Initiative all over campus. The latest in a series of efforts to make the school more environmentally friendly is found within Colonial Printing stations across campus. As of December, all printing kiosks will no longer have the functionality to print, thus not wasting paper, no matter what. We took to the streets to get some reactions for this new Green policy.

“I’m really happy that GW cares this much to go out of their way and save the trees,” said a sophomore and environmental engineering major Elizabeth Klean. “We as citizens of Earth really need to do everything we can to save paper.”

Freshman business major Jim Wingate recalled his first run in with the new Green printers. “I was running to class down F street and remembered I didn’t print my homework assignment. So I went into Gelman library to print it but there was not a single machine that could read my flash drive. I ended up walking into the lecture hall late and showing the professor the assignment on my laptop. It felt amazing to have saved that sheet of paper. I really know that I’m making a difference in this world.”

Due to the cost of installing the new software on each kiosk, students can expect an increase in price per page when using the improved print stations.

On first inspection, Frank’s Franks isn’t much to look at: a mobile aluminum box with a hotdog boiler and a small awning, sitting on the corner of O Street and Seventh, between the Immaculate Conception Apartments and Kennedy Playground, but there’s more to this place than meets the eye. French-Canadian immigrant, François “Frank” Bergeron, has owned and operated the stand since the late 1990s and, on any given day, can be found cooking up a storm.

To begin, my expectations of the Canadian transplant’s ability to wow the palate with his common cuisine were low. I decided to test the waters with a classic we all know well, a frankenfurter with relish and sauerkraut on an exquisite white bread bun. Much to my pleasant surprise, the dog was cooked to an ideal consistency, a firm but thin and snappy casing with a warm, soft, and moist interior. The bitterness of the sauerkraut created a titillating and delicate balance with the slightly sweet and tangy dill relish. This was an altogether unexpected and extremely subtle inclusion.

All things considered however, the dog did fall shy of the mark when it came to the bun. Admittedly, Frank does stock some of the higher quality hotdog buns available, allowing his customers to choose between classic white and sourdough, this one took a plunge toward the last few bits when it became slightly dampened and thus unattractively mushy. Frank had my interest. The middle-aged fry-cook in his stained “Je me souviens” t-shirt had taken me by surprise.

The next dish he cooked up for me is said to be a house special: a chili-dog with red onions and chopped bell pepper. Again the dog was up to par with bun falling somewhat short, but what really caught me was the effect of the bell paper, which brought with it a light crunchy texture and low heat that tied each mouthful together. The red onions, it should be noted, played a role as well, laying a slight sweetness underneath the more intense flavors of the chili and peppers. It is also very much to credit of this O Street establishment that all of the ingredients in my meal there were at the absolute peak of freshness and, as Frank told me later, purchased daily at a nearby farmer's’ market.

Behind the counter of Frank’s Franks, under the outer guise of a street-food vendor I found the mind of a gourmet at work. With its well-executed classic and modern takes on the timeless edible which is the hotdog, Frank’s Franks may be a little rough around the edges, but is wholly worthy of the four-and-one-half star Critics’ Circle rating with which I award it.

A new poll conducted this week shows that students aren’t satisfied with the abundance of a capella groups on campus and they want even more of them to form on campus.

A GW statistics professor polled a group of 1,000 GW students and found that they love the current a capella groups, and they need more obnoxious music shoved down their throats on a regular basis.

“They’re everywhere! I can’t go 5 minutes without some a capella group popping up someplace, and I love it,” said Elliott School freshman Jonathan Rapp. “I would love more a capella- I want to hear about them every second of every day!”

The study revealed that 90% of GW students are “surprisingly in favor” of the current amount of pointless vocal groups on campus, and 64% “would somehow recommend” forming at least 5 new a capella troupes.

The university hasn’t offered a comment on the study’s findings, and hasn’t revealed their plans to address the apparent dissatisfaction with the a capella climate on campus.

We can only assume the administration will immediately begin allocating funds to accommodate the future surge in newly formed student a capella groups, and the GW Ax staff have begun placing bets on which department will be getting fired next to make room for this in the budget.

•