AKRON, OH — Armed with the knowledge that only an intro-level psychology course can bring, one student at the George Washington University returned home ready to do more than just eat turkey this Thanksgiving. Speaking to reporters from her home in the so-called "Rubber City", Jessica Mackey, a sophomore and economics major, announced that she would be using her family dinner as a platform to clinically assess the mental states of her assembled relations.

WASHINGTON - In a bold act certain to bridge the gap between students and faculty, George Washington University President Thomas LeBlanc was EMeRGed from freshman dormitory Thurston Hall last Friday night after consuming too much alcohol and nearly twisting an ankle at a get-together.

WASHINGTON OR SOMETHING - The Nuns are at it again as like the Dean of the Elliott School has engaged himself (herself?) in circumstances that are just like the classic Whoopi Goldberg sequel oh who am I kidding no one cares I have no idea what I’m doing.

WASHINGTON — Many today feel that they are living in a time of deception, one where nothing is quite what it seems and everything can and must be viewed with the utmost scrutiny. This was a lesson learned both the hard and easy ways around lunchtime today by two underperforming students at George Washington University.

WASHINGTON - Busy on campus going out of his way to solve every student’s problems, George Washington University Provost Forrest Maltzman on Monday finally provided the answer to the ancient gate troll Blartinosfat’ riddle, immediately disintegrating the mystical creature and allowing innocent students passage through the central plaza.

ETHEREAL COSMOS - Billions worldwide were thrilled to bits when former American President Jimmy Carter was finally given the punishment he deserves and banished into another dimension never to be seen again.

NEW YORK - College students and members of the workforce nationwide were delighted to learn last week that even gigantic multi-million dollar talent acquisitions by major television networks can disappoint all possible expectations and generally do a poor job in their purpose in life.

WASHINGTON - It was a sad day at the Reptile Discovery Center at the National Zoo, as Reptile Behavioral Specialist Steven Welly transferred his life’s work into cages headed for Ivanka Trump’s shoe factory in China.

WASHINGTON — Six weeks into the semester, Freshman student Jeffery Sallis has really taken to the vibrant student scene at George Washington University’s Mount Vernon Campus, noting its abundant interesting options in comparison to a life in a two-by-two cylindrical shaft used to store water.

EDINBURGH, UK - In a stunning turn of events, the Ax has seemingly ignored its lukewarm reception in the US and opted to open a foreign correspondents’ bureau!

Getting into the swing of things at a new school can be hard, and with the 2017-2018 academic year already well underway many freshmen are seeking an edge in expanding and solidifying their circle of friends. There are many ways to do this: joining a student organization (such as this one, we’re taking writers), forming study groups, volunteering, et cetera. But these methods are often considered the “hard way” of making connections as they are done mostly without alcohol, a social lubricant known to provide many a shy freshman with a reliable in-road into almost any group. A first-semester student who can get their hands on booze of any brand or quality, however low, is instantly in the running to build up their very own “squad” of peers and acquaintances. To do this though, an ID is traditionally required, and by the end of this article, our readers will know how to get one.

NEW YORK — Last week, the world watched on with interest and apprehension as leaders from around the world assembled in the Big Apple to discuss the major issues of our times at the 72nd United Nations General Assembly. For the first time ever, President Donald J. Trump joined his fellow heads of state at the presidium of diplomacy. Bringing with him his customary flair and flavor, the President made more than a few waves during his visit.

We’re really not kidding about this one, the pictures contained in this article are not for you! You don’t want to see them and your political science professor DEFINITELY doesn’t want you to see them. Why not click away and check out another outstanding article by the Ax instead? Then you can have a laugh and respect the privacy of this esteemed academic.

WASHINGTON — Two weeks into his first internship on capitol hill, GW Sophomore and future mid-level insurance salesman Dennis Hoffman says that his position as a glorified office waterboy feels “just like House of Cards.”

Colonial Inauguration is a rite of passage for all GW students. The yellow towels, the socks, the hour-long #OnlyAtGW presentation that makes you start to regret your decision, and the incredible group of friends you can’t believe you made on your first day. You guys made a group chat and went to the monuments together and were super excited to keep on hanging out, and then never saw each other again. Find out what happened to each of them and what they’re up to these days, you won’t believe what happened to Sofia!

The GW Ax is proud to present its latest list, 14 things.

Yes, everyone, it is finally tax day.

WASHINGTON - Local students overheard Gerome Lambergast unravel his brilliant philosophy regarding George Washington University’s extensive annual landscaping and reveal this year’s brilliant new floral renovation.

WASHINGTON - Excited to drum up donations from philanthropic alums, the administration at George Washington University announced today that they had scheduled everyone’s favorite act for the upcoming GW Flag Day.

WASHINGTON - It was a scene of panic today as a bare-footed President Knapp approached the podium to address his loyal servants about an issue which could no longer be avoided.

WASHINGTON - It was a momentous day to be a colonial as the students of the nation’s fifty second best research institution lined the streets to cheer on marching armies on their way to the school’s newest satellite campus.

WASHINGTON — After having convened to discuss their findings, an independent panel of lawyers and analysts appointed to observe the George Washington University Student Association elections have come forward with their conclusions. Speaking at a small press conference this morning, the team of experts shocked the crowd with the pronouncement that the very foundations of our democracy itself are “greatly threatened”.

It’s that time of year again - get ready to learn about an assorted variety of scares and ghoulies to spook your neighbours and cheer up the kids this Halloween!

KALOKAIRI, Greece - Students at the George Washington University have been frightened and confused as of late as to the sudden delay of the elections for their beloved Student’s Association. However, the university has announced its backup plan consists of a frankly ridiculous scheme to fly the trio of candidates to a far-off island where they will each meet with someone who may be their daughter, who will then determine which one is the real president.

WASHINGTON - Following what is being considered a humiliating defeat on health care reform last week, Speaker of the House Paul D. Ryan announced a new initiative on reducing healthcare costs around the country.

WASHINGTON - American icon and living legend Sen. John McCain has shown yet another courageous act of defiance against President Trump.

WASHINGTON — A new study released this week has revealed a growing trend in future plans among millenials: falling into the dark, unending recesses of an intergalactic void.

WASHINGTON — The George Washington University’s Division of Student Affairs is reporting a sharp drop in student publication start-ups this past year.

WASHINGTON — New reports show that every single joke, witty observation or snarky remark ever made by freshman Michael Cohen is pulled verbatim from a sketch from the British comedy show “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

WASHINGTON--Residents of Room 617 in Fulbright Hall came to the conclusion on Thursday Night that something exciting was occurring in neighboring Room 616, apparently.

EASTON, PA — The GW Ax continues its tradition of awarding one lucky locale with the honor of “Hottest Spring Break Destination.” Last year, we honored the wonderful city of Hoboken, but this year we look west to the illustrious metropolis of Easton, Pennsylvania.

They say that every dog has his day and personally, I agree as far as Dale Earnhardt Jr. is concerned. That man, that myth, that legend, that dog and machine behind the wheel, has indeed had his day, both as a victor of the world-famous Daytona 500, and as the conqueror of my heart.

WASHINGTON - Beloved Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders has changed his tune, reversing his famous negative opinion on the millionaires and billionaires that run Wall Street after a short meeting with some of them in their Manhattan offices.

WASHINGTON. — The Freshman class at George Washington University is still missing in action after its disappearance over a week ago on Presidents Day Weekend.

WASHINGTON— What was initially expected to be a lighthearted evening at the French Embassy on Saturday night took a surprising and disappointing turn that left hosts and guests alike feeling more than a bit put-out. Nearly five hundred revelers turned out for the catered party in honor of President George Washington’s 285th birthday, each looking forward to celebrating the occasion with him, but much to the chagrin of all in attendance, the great man never showed up!

DALLAS - Fans and haters alike of rising conservative star Tomi Lahren were shocked Monday evening when Lahren announced on her show that her public profile has been an experiment in method acting.

In a sad triumph for pitiful hooliganism, some revolting vagabond appears to have stolen my original 1969 vinyl, Philosophy of The World, by original indie band, The Shaggs. Worse still, they’re selling this priceless (though really $300) record for next to nothing on Ebay.

WASHINGTON - Citing growing concerns over the nature of knowledge itself, several protests have been planned in response to next semester’s dean’s seminar taught by God. While not the first time the all-powerful has decided to intervene in this mortal realm on campus, this is the first time he’ll be taking a direct role in modeling students’ futures.

The 2016 Presidential Election shocked the nation, and it seems like the country hasn't gotten enough of nonstop political crap shoved down our throats via the 24 hour news cycle. So, because we too want more of news stations ignoring everything that isn't about who added another scandal to the collection and who’s being racist this week, we've assembled a list of ten 2020 presidential bids that have been announced since January 20th.

GIELINOR - The sweeping new trend in American courtship of men giving their future lovers a 2006 Runescape Handbook Guide in order to profess their love has become so influential and successful that it has officially become universally accepted by the public.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. My parents had just left, I had an empty fridge, an empty stomach, and a shiny new loaded GWorld ready to be used.

WASHINGTON — Even in the midst of national controversy surrounding President Trump’s recent entry ban on refugees and residents a handful of predominantly Muslim nations, the George Washington University has yet again taken steps to show its commitment to diversity and inclusion. In an address delivered yesterday morning, University President Steven Knapp announced the plans for the opening of a brand new Otherkin Student Center, doubtless to be one of his most lasting marks on campus!

WASHINGTON - As millions gather in front of the TV for a viewing of the most anticipated sporting event in America, one student stands confused about this evening’s festivities.

MADISON, Wis. - In a stunning turn of events this week, a shooting at a local preschool left a teddy bear missing most of his stuffing after being mistaken for a grizzly bear by an overzealous substitute teacher.

WASHINGTON — Seeking to avert what could very well prove to be an ecological disaster of a kind never before seen in the United States, the Environmental Protection Agency released a recently completed study and accompanying statement this morning, warning of the potential for a complete habitat collapse in the nation’s capital, should the swamp actually be drained.

WASHINGTON - On January 21st 2017, millions of women and men around the country gathered for what is being called one of the biggest protests in US history. Originally planned for Washington DC, multiple sister marches happened around the country, all protesting the defunding of Planned Parenthood and President Trump’s demeaning comments towards women during his campaign.

WASHINGTON - Students from around the Washington, DC area have joined together in uproar to sound off in unrest at their collective upset at the interlibrary loan system used by their campus’ libraries not carrying any form of copies of 2004 nominee for Best Actress in a Motion Picture at the Academy Awards Being Julia.