WASHINGTON - Americans everywhere may sleep soundly tonight, knowing that they will wake on the morning of December 25 in a sense of total bliss, having collectively remembered the collapse of the Soviet Union on that day in 1991.
GWAX ON / GWAX OFF
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Student Disappointed She Never Got to Party With Obama Girls
WASHINGTON--Senior Rachel Cheever has expressed serious disappointment in her realization that in her four years at GW, she never got the chance to party with the Obama girls.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Lonely Professor Reminds Students That They’re Still Holding Regular Office Hours
WASHINGTON. — A George Washington University psychology professor called for the attention of his students in a Tuesday morning email this week to issue a brief reminder.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Busker Needs to Learn More Songs
WASHINGTON- A local GW student was disheartened this morning to learn that the busker, someone who plays music for money, outside of the Metro station had yet to learn anymore songs.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Smithsonian Accidentally Loses African American History Museum
WASHINGTON — Passersby were stunned this week as they walked down the National Mall and discovered the newly completed Museum of African American History Museum and Culture had disappeared.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Roommate Bought You A Christmas Gift, Apparently
WASHINGTON - As a heads up, it looks like Chuck bought you a gift this year. For some reason.
No one is completely sure exactly why the small wrapped box was placed in the kitchen table of your dorm early this morning, especially given preliminary reports that the two of you haven’t talked in a month. Chief Psychologists report that it may have been a token of forgiveness after you spilled coffee on his laptop last month. “Seriously,” began the report, “How could you have been so clumsy?”
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Supreme Court to Mediate Roommate Agreement
Washington, D.C. — The Supreme Court agreed this Friday to add another case to their upcoming oral argument calendar: McKinnon v. Dwyer. This landmark case, which could lead to a deadlocked judiciary in the absence of a ninth justice, has to do with the plight of two roommates at the George Washington University, and why Dwyer won’t clean the goddamn bathroom once in awhile.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Knapp Confirms Plans to Return to His Life as J. Edgar Hoover
Washington, D.C. — Citing concerns that he had, “been out of the game too long,” George Washington University President, Steven Knapp revealed that he would be to return to his life as former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover following his departure from the University after spring 2017 commencement.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Chris Christie Bombs South Jersey in a Very Misguided Attempt to Impress Trump
Former Site of Cherry Hill, N.J. — In an inadvisable ploy to convince President-Elect Trump to appoint him to the Cabinet, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ordered his state’s Air National Guard to carpet bomb all of the Garden State south of I-195.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
GW Ax to Start Distributing in Print Media, Betamax
WASHINGTON- In a report to their investors last Tuesday, the GW Ax announced a bold new plan for news distribution.
“We call it a print newspaper and its going to change the world,” began CEO Gabe Plunkett, before ushering his chief of technological operations on stage. “We don’t know why noone has thought of it before. But it’s revolutionary.”
Friday, December 9, 2016
From the Archives: Santa Indicted in Enron Scandal
Originally Published: November 29, 2001
NORTH POLE - Following the indictment of numerous Arthur Andersen executives, federal prosecutors from the Securities and Exchange Commision, in conjunction with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, rushed Santa’s Merry Little Workshop with a search warrant and a tactical security force on the merry ol’ Wednesday morn’ of November 28th.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Someone is Reading Our Website on a Blackberry and We’re Scared
WASHINGTON — A senior Ax reporter has reported to our offices shocked and confused upon glancing over a friend’s shoulder as they are wont to do and see said friend poring over the Ax’s intricate, well-written prose on a Blackberry.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
New District House Dining Venues to Open on Octember Eleventy-Eighth
WASHINGTON - Twirling down from the skies above riding via umbrella on the power of imagination, Steven Knapp, departing President at George Washington University, skipped merrily on high as he unveiled the forthcoming and much-anticipated District House dining venues will be opening in a mere gazilliondy-sleven days.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Wow: Alf Fulfills Vow to Return to Melmac Following Trump Victory
LOS ANGELES - The beloved space alien and former 1980s television star known as ALF has followed through with his declaration he would return to his home planet Melmac in the event of the election of Donald Trump to the presidency.
Friday, November 18, 2016
“I Know Now Why You Cry,” Explains Dean Vinson Before Descending Into Lava Pit to Destroy Own Microchip
WASHINGTON - In a steel mill after a crazy few days of adventures, Dean Ben Vinson III of the Columbian College at George Washington University solemnly confessed to feeling emotion for the first time to a young boy and his mother before destroying the last vestiges of future technology in his microchip.
Department of Treasury Loses All Hidden Treasures
WASHINGTON - The United States Department of the Treasury confirmed earlier this morning that it has, in fact, somehow lost all of the treasure that it was keeping hidden in its vault.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Thurston Residents Catapult Students with Thurston Plague Over Walls of Mitchell In Act of Attrition
WASHINGTON - The Colonial Health Center was overwhelmed with a large amount of students coming in for visits over the past weekend after the residents of Thurston Hall started launching students infected with the dreaded Thurston Plague over the walls of Mitchell Hall in an act of attrition.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Hamptons Girl Still Waiting on University to Send Someone to Clean Her Dorm
WASHINGTON - Local sophomore and Shenkman Hall resident, Jackie Campbell, is still waiting on George Washington University to send a member of the Housing staff to clean her room.
The Ax Reviews: Brain Games for the Atari 2600
Wow.
How many times can one use the word perfection? In this modern age of uncertainty, I have often found myself embroiled in the classic debate. Are video games art? We’ve all delighted in the emotional adventure of Gone Home, the simple stylings of Papers, Please, and of course the weighty AAA thrillers of The Last of Us and Spec Ops: The Line. Games that truly leave us with feelings of deep and uncertain anxiety in a darker future, surrounded in the dark uncertainty of an uncaring world. But none of them can even begin to entice the player in the same manner as the Atari 2600 classic, Brain Games.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Student Who Claims “Trump Is Not My President,” Apparently Just Hungarian
WASHINGTON — With what may well have been one of the most controversial elections in modern United States history now decided, it is little surprise that contention has now sprung up around the results. Protests, riots, and fights have broken out in many American cities, including the Capital, as people from around the country voice bitter objections to the victory of President-elect, Donald J. Trump.
Starbucks Unveils Plain Cup With “Fuck You” Written in Blood, Everyone Fine With It
SEATTLE - In a stunning turn of events, Starbucks has announced a replacement for its special holiday cups this year, deciding to forego the traditional holiday designs that everyone lost their minds over in previous years, instead unveiling a design that is startling to say the least.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Impulsive Killer Forgot Dorm Room Freezers Too Small to Store Bodies
WASHINGTON - A local student at The George Washington University, Jeffrey Donahue, has reached the sudden realization that his dorm room freezer was too small to store the body of the man he just killed. Students are beginning to rally around Donahue, claiming that it is unfair that students like him do not have bigger freezers.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Student Eagerly Awaits Results from Today's Bulgarian Presidential Elections
WASHINGTON - Junior Theodore Rodchenko is eagerly anticipating the most exciting political event of his lifetime; the November presidential elections.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
University Professor Continues Decade-Long Search for Stacy’s Mom
WASHINGTON - Professor Wayne Fountain, head of the Obscure Cultural References Department at The George Washington University, received a grant renewal for his now decade-long search for Stacy’s Mom.
Wiping Tear From His Eye, Ryan Pulls Plug on Dying Political System
WASHINGTON - It was a sad day at the Georgetown Hospital when a tear-soaked Paul Ryan made the decision to put his dying political system to rest.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Hillary Clinton Rigs Annual Mountain Dew ‘Dewmocracy’ Competition
PURCHASE, NY - In a public address from their corporate headquarters in New York earlier this week, PepsiCo have announced that this year’s Dewmocracy competition has been rigged. Citing a “systematic abuse of political power” in which “voters were enticed to vote multiple times for their favorite Dew flavor despite being asked to only vote once,” no new soft drink will be unveiled for the Christmas rush.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Jesus Descends From Skies Above to Save Us, Endorsing Evan McMullin
SALT LAKE CITY - It was a day of hefty emotion when the Christian messiah descended from on high to the sounds of trumpets. Millions have been anxiously awaiting his return, hoping that their devotion to his teachings will buy them a ticket to paradise. But it seems that the purported Son of God had other plans.
Six Flags Man Steps Out of Bus On Campus, Begins Dancing, Immediately Stabbed
WASHINGTON - World-renowned celebrity and beloved dancer the Six Flags Man was tragically killed early Friday morning after arriving at the Foggy Bottom campus of George Washington University.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
American Juche Party Now Leading Polls by 98.5 Percent
WASHINGTON - Just when voters thought they had seen it all, the 2016 United States presidential election took yet another sudden turn. Recent polling data released by The Workers' Commissar for Michael Seung shows the candidate from the American Juche party to be leading the race by an unheard-of 98.5%!
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
If Cubs Win World Series, Six More Weeks of Winter
CLEVELAND - The GW Ax has learned some startling news from the executives at Major League Baseball. According to their experts, if the Cubs win this year’s World Series, there will be six more weeks of Winter.
Mysterious Bottle of Liquid on Kitchen Counter Goes Unidentified for Yet Another Week
WASHINGTON - Not all that glitters is gold.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Spooky Halloween Stories to Rattle Your Bones
Hello scare-a-holics! We here at the GW Ax know the importance of a good fright this Halloween. So sit back, relax, and let your guard down for these spooktacular tales!
Textile Museum Closes for a Day; Pandemonium Ensues
WASHINGTON - The beloved textile museum at the George Washington University museum closed Monday without proper warning, sending the Foggy Bottom campus spiraling into chaos in absolute pandemonium.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Hillside Residents Tormented by Visage of Spooky Jack-O’-Lantern in Second-Floor Window
WASHINGTON - Terror struck on the Mount Vernon Campus this week as numerous George Washington University students reported visual assaults upon their psyches by what some have described as a “horrifically spooky” jack-o’-lantern.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Editorial: Gelman Library is an Architectural Masterpiece
Gelman Library is a treasure, a glittering brutal-esque gem among base, postmodern rocks. Yet this diamond in the rough goes unnoticed by the student body. Day in and day out, we move like ghosts from one haunting place to another, indifferent to the beauty that surrounds us.
Friday, October 28, 2016
New President Announced; It's a Pistachio
WASHINGTON - In a stunning turn of events, the Board of Trustees at the George Washington University announced this week that the search for the university’s new president has officially come to an end.
Student Surprised No One Wants to Go to Elvis Costello Concert With Him
WASHINGTON - Junior Nigel O’Flanagan found himself in quite a shock yesterday when, to his surprise, not a single one of his friends or acquaintances had any remote interest whatsoever in seeing the well-known English rock musician Elvis Costello at the Warner Theater.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Argument Not Going as Girlfriend Forecasted
WASHINGTON - Citing her shock, local girlfriend Tricia Escobar reports that her argument with her boyfriend is not even close to her original forecasts.
Campus Intercom Loudly Declares “There Never Was Dining at J-Street” Every 15 Minutes
WASHINGTON - The dystopian hellscape that is the Foggy Bottom campus of the George Washington University has long-obeyed the totalitarian commands proclaimed through the university’s loudspeakers ever fifteen minutes, informing the students how to think and feel; the newest such message is now helpfully informing the student body that the J-Street Dining Hall once believed to be a unremarkable fixture of the campus has never actually existed.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Holy Food Fight Breaks Out Between Dueling Hillel-Chabad Succahs
WASHINGTON – George Washington University’s central Kogan Plaza stands in ruin this morning due to a scuffle that emerged over territory for the annual Jewish celebration of the Harvest.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Former Ghost of Crawford Hall Now Homeless Outside District House
WASHINGTON — For all the good that gradual gentrification does for urban renewal, the process is not without its humbling side-effects, a fact which has recently become all to tragically apparent to the residents of the George Washington University’s District House dorm.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Knapp’s Plan for Clown Themed Party for Granddaughter Goes Horribly Wrong
RICHMOND, Va. - The best laid plans of George Washington University’s outgoing President Steven Knapp have sadly gone awry. The university’s most visible administrator made the regrettable decision of hosting a clown-themed birthday party Monday for his granddaughter Sophie, at his large estate in southern Virginia.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Whole Foods to be Replaced with Bottomless Chasm for Students to Throw Money Into
WASHINGTON - Stating a growing desire to keep up with youth trends, Whole Foods has introduced a brand new experimental location in Foggy Bottom. Titled “Whole Foods Eco”, CEO John Mackey hopes to start a revolution.
Local Mom Way Too Excited For Parents' Weekend
WASHINGTON - With Colonials Weekend fast approaching, student and local residents are gearing up for the massive influx of clueless wealthy white people into the Foggy Bottom area (more than usual, anyway).
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Due to Paperwork Mixup, Anglophile Exchange Student Spends Semester Abroad in New London, CT
NEW LONDON, Con. - It was a somber day when Jasmine Barker stepped off her greyhound bus and into the arms of Connecticut’s 17th most populous city. Boasting a robust population of 20,000 and miles of abandoned mills and broken windows, Ms. Barker realized she had made a mistake.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
The Ax Investigates: Hillsides, Myth or Fact?
WASHINGTON- Having received several recent reports as to the existence of previously unknown dorms on the far reaches of GW’s frontier Mount Vernon Campus, the Ax sent some of its mildly intrepid reporters to investigate whether the enigmatic and ethereal entities known only as the “Hillsides” are in fact real.
More Than a Month Later, Freshman Who Entered the Wrong Classroom is “In Too Deep Now”
WASHINGTON - Sources within IAFF 3180W, a high-level writing course dealing with the issue of Nuclear Security, report that a small encampment has arisen near the podium at the front of the class.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Capital in Panic after African American History Museum Disappears
WASHINGTON — The morning news cycle around the nation’s capitol opened with a startling announcement today from the newly opened and much celebrated National Museum of African American History and Culture. At some point after closing time last night, the 350,000 square foot building was misplaced and has yet to be found.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Hurricane Matthew Was Just Searching for Long Lost Love Katrina
MIAMI - All of us saw the devastation in Florida this week, but we’ve learned through an exclusive close-up interview with Hurricane Matthew that he was dropping by the states to search for his long lost love: the long-forgotten Hurricane Katrina.